end of the week

Well, made it to the end of the week. It was pretty busy at work. The tax payers got their money's worth (and then some) from all of us the last couple of weeks.

After checking out a lot of hotels on the Internet (and making us determined to get high speed Internet access pretty soon because it took so long on dial up) we decided on a hotel in the Wisconsin Dells with a good water park. I made the reservation today. The trip planning for June is nearly done. All we will have to do is to enjoy it.

I stopped off at the book & music store on the way to work today. I picked up a couple of Roman history books from the mark-down shelves that look pretty interesting. I also picked up some new tunes. I got a couple of CD's with symphonies from a rather obscure classical composer that was recommended to me by that former friend, which, of course, made me think about him for awhile this afternoon.

He really is a good person is many ways, and I know that my life will be impoverished because he is not in it. He opened up so many new worlds for me in literature and music and the arts, and my life is the richer for it and from knowing him. I have no doubt that twenty years from now I will still be missing talking to him about books and music. He has been very kind and thoughtful to me on many occasions; he was probably the most supportive person in my life (other than Steven and a couple of friends from work) when my father died. When all is said and done I am glad to have known him. I wish things could be different and better, but I do not see what other choice I could make. If he had treated me poorly and felt bad about it - showed any remorse or regret at all -  perhaps I could have  made a different decision. If he expressed any interest in still having me as a friend perhaps I could have made a different decision. But I made so many efforts to get him to sit down and talk things out, and he either ignored me or gave me lame excuses (which were pretty obviously lies) why he could not meet me. I just cannot go on allowing myself to be treated so poorly by someone who feels no remorse about it, and who does not even ask how I am doing, or how his crappy behavior has affected me, or what is going on in my life.

It seems like he is avoiding the mutual friends and places we have - the intersections of our lives. That makes me feel very bad. There is no reason for him to do that. He has done it in the past when he thought I was upset with him over his poor behavior, and I have always gone to him to beg for him to return.

He has said before that he thinks of me as being so vindictive that completely innocent people must be protected from me.

So I have always thought that must be why he does this. He must think that I will do something awful to him, or try to make him look bad in some way. He must think that I am out to get him.

I am merely human, but as far as I know I am no more or less vindictive than any other person.

I have no wish to "get" him, or hurt him, or make him look bad in any way. I would never ask him or expect him to stay away or give up any of the places or people we have in common. That would be grossly unfair. I would give them up first myself, even though those people and places are precious to me.

I am not going after him this time to beg him to return. If he thinks so little of me, if he knows me so little that he thinks I would seek or wish any harm for him or on him, then he is a moron, despite his being one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. He should know from the other times he has left and I have crawled after him begging him to come back, that he is more than welcome in these shared places. All I want is to not have to interact with him within those shared spaces. I would never ask him to leave them, or to give them up. I have always thought it to be evil to ask someone to give up his/her friends.

I am done with crawling. I am done with begging. I am done with being treated poorly by "friends" I trust and adore.  I am free now. And I will remain that way.

Actually, I am in need of a shower now. I will have my baseline mammogram tomorrow and I must wash off all traces of deodorant before my exam. Putting it on is such an ingrained part of my morning routine it will be hard to remember not to put more on in the morning. The exam, then lunch...then a nice evening at home with my silly husband and my children. I love evenings at home. Maybe I will stop off at the cool grocery store near the doctor's office and get some interesting pasta and sauce to make dinner. Or some gnocchi. And maybe some steel cut Irish oatmeal for Dan's breakfast. And definately some baking mixes. Dan loves it when I bake scones and other goodies.