cheese hounds

On Sunday Dan and I went to one of the big gourmet grocery stores in Ann Arbor to buy first class cheese. We tried all of the samples repeatedly, and ended up buying one brick of a great and mellow and rich Swiss cheese from Switzerland. We bought two blocks of a great sharp Canadian Cheddar. That afternoon I cut off some slices from both sorts and also cut thin slices from a very crusty loaf of French bread. Everyone enjoyed it. We had half the block of Swiss left, and 1 1/2 blocks of the Cheddar.

Last night when I got home from work Dan and I decided to slice some more cheese. There was none left. Our young cheese hounds had eaten it all!

Last night Steven had a band concert. It turns out that his band districts will be the same Friday in March that Bill has all of his appointments at Ball State. It sounds like I will be heading down to Muncie with Bill and Dan will stay home with Steven. That sort of stinks, since we had wanted to have some family time together.

This coming weekend will be the state high school team wrestling championships. The high school team goes to Battle Creek to watch, and this year they middle school team will also go along. Dan and I will actually have some couple time! I am hoping to make some great dinner reservations, and perhaps go out and listen to some music at a jazz club. Then again, staying home and snuggling and chasing each other through the house naked would also be quite fine.

I've been busy watching the television series Firefly on dvd in my spare time. I am really enjoying it...Dan has only been able to see a couple of episodes, but he seems to like it, too.

their own worst enemies

I've been thinking a lot the last day or two about people who are their own worst enemies. Those who try to hurt others (and sometimes succeed) but who do far more harm to themselves.

Someone (a middle aged adult) who used to be associated with the high school wrestling program a couple of years ago was caught on security videotape doing something rather unpleasant directed at a high school kid this weekend at the high school. He had not gotten along with the boy's father. OK - so why would any true adult do something targeted at a kid to begin with? And why do something bad in a public place with all sorts of security cameras? And why do something rotten to someone who has never done you any harm? For that matter, why do something rotten to anyone anyway? People like that are their own worst enemies. He certainly did not upset or hurt the kid - everyone who knows what happened rallied around the kid. All he managed to do is to make himself look immature and petty and vindictive. And this is from a man who can be truly kind at times. He was his own worst enemy!

Ah well. Human nature is an odd and exotic thing. Filled with paradoxes. Genuinely kind people with cruel streaks, like my former friend. Charming people with stone cold hearts, people who believe in God who drive other people away from God with their hypocrisy and harsh judgments. Spouses who wonder why their partner strays when the husband (or wife) only gets distrust, nagging, and neglect at home - and then the spouse who drove away their mate thinks that they are completely innocent and deserve everything in the bitterly fought divorce. And then they proceed to treat their next partners even worse than the first, with even more distrust and nagging and neglect and now with bitterness thrown in. And then wonder "Why me? Why does this always happen to me?" if that second spouse eventually also throws in the towel. Lord, I know so many women like that. They never even see that they contributed to the problems in their relationships, and so never learn how to treat their new partners better so they will want to stick around. Then there are people who value fear over friendship and insecurity over love. People who run into the supervisor's office at every opportunity to rat out their co-workers, then go ballistic if anyone does the same to them (I work with sooo many people like that!).

All of these people are their own worst enemies, and they wonder why their lives are largely lonely and unhappy and why things and relationships do not go their way...

Now I am depressing myself!

Luckily I know many people who are loving and supportive and generous, and quite wonderful in every way!!! I should think about them now, and cheer myself up!

 

cold & sunny Sunday

Had a quiet yet productive day off. I washed down the icky bathroom with diluted bleach from floor to ceiling and got rid of the yuckiness and unpleasant smell from when everyone was sick. Hopefully that will take care of the last of the yuckiness from the Norwalk virus.

I also did some laundry and a couple of loads of dishes.

Dan and I went in to one of the gourmet grocery stores in Ann Arbor and bought some imported and delicious cheeses. He seemed to be feeling sort of poorly today; he did perk up a bit when we went to the store. I think he is coming down with a cold.

We are trying to decide what to do with our time off in June. Washington DC and Myrtle Beach are sort of high on the list right now, but I would be happy to just go camping on a lake someplace as long as I can be with Dan and the kids.

We did make a reservation for a night at Ball State next month, and reserved a cabin for Memorial Day weekend down at a state resort park in Kentucky on Lake Cumberland. That should be peaceful and wonderful, and we might be able to hook up with a very nice man from Tennessee named Don (dlbpharmd) and his wife and children that weekend, which would be great.

back to the hot gym ;-)

Today was a long day, but a good day. Dan and Bill helped out at the high school regional tournament that was held at our high school.

Steven wrestled for the first time in about two months at a tournament in Bedford. Going in, I only hoped that he would not get injured again, as he has had so many injuries this winter. I knew that there would be some very good kids at his weight, and that he would be out of shape and rusty because of his injuries. He surprised everyone, including himself, and won the bloody thing. He beat some very high quality kids in doing so, too.

I was also glad that I went because a kid from another team had an asthma attack and did not have his albuterol rescue inhaler with him. Luckily I had mine (which reminds me that I have to go wash it because the kid had it in his mouth) and after a couple of puffs the kid felt a lot better, and started breathing more normally. He had been injured, he was in pain, and he panicked; a perfect recipe for an asthma attack. Then the asthma and the pain and the panic and the fear all fed off of each other...and you have a kid who is too freaked out to remember how to breathe. The albuterol opens up all of the little passages in the lungs and helps you get in more air; and the act of puffing on the inhaler, knowing that you can breathe again in a moment, always helps mentally and emotionally!

I am happy because Dan went out for some bar food and a beer (or two) with some of the other coaches and parents tonight after the regionals. He doesn't go out and have fun enough; I am always nagging him to go out more often with his friends. Tonight he did, and that makes me glad. I am relaxing with the kids and the kitties, and have been listening to music and relaxing and reading and relaxing. I am going to take a bath in some hot tea in a few minutes. (They actually make huge tea bags you put in your bath tub - the tea is great for your skin and your hair!) Because of my crazy work schedule, I only get two evenings at home in a typical week - this is a particularly relaxing and pleasant one.

birthday

Yesterday was Dan's birthday. We had a quiet day at home, and went out for lunch at a little Vietnamese restaurant in Ypsilanti. Neither of us had ever had Vietnamese food, and he wanted to try it, and this restaurant has a great reputation. The food was tasty, and we enjoyed lunch very much.

After lunch we went to a huge hardware store, and he looked at jacuzzi bath tubs and lawn tractors. Now that the credit cards are all paid off, we can think about making some big purchases and home improvements (the money which would have paid credit cards can now be used for savings and buying things with cash). And looking at stuff like that makes him happy. We did not make any decisions or purchases, but I did pick up some spring bulbs and roots like gladiolas and begonias, as well as some gourmet seed potatoes and asparagus roots. I've never tried growing those two vegetables, but love both and am willing to try.

We then headed down to the middle school to pick up Steven from practice, and picked up a bunch of pizza on the way home. So we had pizza and breadsticks and birthday cake and ice cream for dinner.

It was a peaceful day, and I think Dan enjoyed it, which makes me happy as well.

Today, other than sorting laundry, I am giving myself sort of a day off. I am a bit tired, and want some rest. Tomorrow Dan and Bill will help out at wrestling individual regionals, and Steven will be wrestling at a middle school tournament. I will go spend the day with him in Bedford, down on the Ohio border. I took Sunday off to have a long weekend, and I think I will scrub the upstairs bathroom down floor to ceiling - it has smelled a bit funky in there ever since everyone got so sick...

President's Day

Yesterday was the President's Day holiday. I had the day off from work, as did the kids from school. Bill helped Dan at a job site; Steven and I worked in the house all day. I got a huge amount of housework done over the weekend, particularly laundry. I also found the missing mixing bowl in Bill's room, filled with congealed vomit from when he was sick. While I did not mind (too much) washing the clothes people got diarrhea and vomit on when they were sick (I know they couldn't help it, and I vomited all over one of my night gowns, too), that bowl was the line I refused to cross. I made Bill clean that.

Last night we went out to eat dinner at Los Tres Amigos Mexican restaurant. The food was good, and it made Bill happy to actually be able to eat his fill for pretty much the first time in six years, since he started wrestling. I am expecting him to put on 10-20 pounds in the next year or so, and probably get taller as well. He will be going from the lowest weight his doctor wants to see to a more average weight. His doctor will be very happy to have him put on some weight, in fact.

Two work days, then a four day weekend to celebrate Dan's birthday. It would be nice if he would tell me what he wants to do on his birthday, but I will wing it, and I am sure he will be happy. And Bill will actually be able to eat birthday cake for a change.

Steven saw a sports medicine doctor this morning about his knee. It is healing well, and he can start practicing again this afternoon. In fact, it has healed so much more quickly than they were expecting (ah to be young!) that he can possibly even wrestle on Saturday if he feels no pain in practices this week.

what love are you fated for? (quiz)

http://quizilla.com/users/ElisaDay/quizzes/What%20Love%20are%20you%20Fated%20for%3F%20~AWESOME%20anime%20pics!~

 

You want a Beautiful love, soft but passionate. You are probably very old fashioned and polite. You can't stand rude people, wolf whistles are to you only dis-respective and immature. You love nature and everything beautiful in life. You will fall for a guy that makes you forget about the rest of the world.

what kind of dark faerie are you? (quiz)

http://quizilla.com/users/Signature.F/quizzes/What%20kind%20of%20Dark%20Faerie%20are%20You%3F%20(Girls%20only%20with%20beautiful%20pics)

Dreamer Faerie
You are the Dreamer Faerie. You are extremely thoughtful, and sometimes outgoing. Most of the time, however, you prefer working alone rather than with others. You are also creative and have an overall friendly personality.

Wings: Gray and red
Power: Dreams/wishes
Sexual appeal: Some people think you act a little childish, but incidentally many guys find this very attractive (as long as you don't overdo it, of course).
What you look for in a guy: To you, the ideal man would be very tall, dark-haired and blue- or green-eyed. You need someone fun to hang out with but at the same time a partner that you can engage in intelligent conversations.

 

What is your strongest power? (quiz)

http://quizilla.com/users/celestial14/quizzes/-%20What%20is%20your%20strongest%20Power%3F-%20%20(%2020%20detailed%20results%2C%20beautiful%20anime%20pics%2C%20for%20Guys%20and%20girls)

 

The power of Love. You love to love and of coarse to be loved. You are very romantic. You're key to happiness is to find your true love.

what kind of beauty are you? (quiz)

Your beauty is free-flowing, like the wind and air! You are so natural in a way people have trouble describing you! You are sensitive and charming! You love to help other people! You are caring, and warm-hearted! You are a smooth, easy person, who is very graceful! You love to show people the way, to live a good, and meaningful life! You are also, greatly liked, and loved by someone very special!

Type of Beauty: Enchanting!

http://quizilla.com/users/Hermione499/quizzes/~What%20kind%20of%20beauty%20are%20you%3F(Lovely%20ANIME%20pictures!!!)~

funky work week

This will be a weird work week for me. I just had my usual Friday and Saturday off, then worked tonight. I will be off tomorrow for President's Day, work two days, then have a four day weekend to celebrate Dan's birthday. Tonight was actually pretty busy for a holiday weekend Sunday night. We have a lot of very sick patients. I think it will be a great thing to have a short work week.

The clear and cold weather continues; by the end of the week it should be above freezing, though, and that will be very welcome.

Because our high school will be hosting wrestling individual regionals next weekend, we will not be going away to celebrate the birthday; rather, Dan and the kids will be helping at the tournament. I'm not sure what we will do for the other days I will be off, but hopefully Dan and I can find a little time alone together for some cuddling.

I am reading a wonderful short story collection from one of my favorite writers, Susan Vreeland. She writes about artists and art, and the affect of art on the lives of the people it touches. So far the stories in this collection have been about French Impressionists. I am hugely enjoying it.

I am worried sick about the friend and his wife who will be losing their foster sons. He sounds completely heart broken. He loves those two little boys so much. I wish there was something that I could do to help. But there is nothing I can do, other than to be there for them if they should need a sympathetic ear...

quiet day

Dan and the boys have been gone all day; they have been helping out at the individual districts tournament. I have been spending the day quietly working in the house. I have gotten a lot done; the place is cleaner, and I even found the icky underwear left over from when the kids were sick so the house  also smells a lot better.

I even got a bag of books ready to take in and donate. I even managed to organize part of my to-be-read stack. People keep giving me books, and I have a hard time keeping up with my reading. So I prioritized my stack, and neatened the shelf filled with mass market paperbacks where I have just been tossing stuff for about a year. This should all help when it comes to reading (and possibly then donating) the books.

I also straightened out the fireplace area. The area had been taken over by empty milk crates that were once filled with fire wood. I took all of the empty crates out (it's amazing how much bigger the area looks without them!) and brought in some filled crates. I have been burning a fire all day to try to take the chill out of the air downstairs. It is a lovely clear winter day, and the sun has been cheerfully shining; but it is also bitterly cold.

I do not like housework, but it does feel good to have spent the day accomplishing good things and helping the house look, smell, and feel better.

a good day

We did not lose any trees last night in the windstorm, though we have huge downed limbs everywhere in the yard. When spring comes, we will be quite busy with the chain saw chopping them up for firewood.

We had a nice and quiet day at home. The kids did not have school today, so we just enjoyed each other's company all day long. We got to watch a great Olympic women's hockey game, where the USA team was beaten by Sweden in a shoot out. The Swedish goalie was radioactively hot.

The kids went to the high school tonight to help set up for tomorrow's individual districts tournament. Dan and I enjoyed having some time for ourselves. We should find such time more often.

This has been a happy week, a good week.

stormy night

It has been a very stormy and rainy night. When I left work the road was flooded near the hospital. Luckily, the police (or someone) had marked the flooded spot with flares. Otherwise you might not have been able to see it. It was a dark night, the road was black, and the water over the road was black. It was fairly deep water, too - it came up to the running boards of the Jeep. I do not know if cars could safely get through it.

We were lucky here. To the west in Jackson county, and to the south, near the border with Ohio, there were tornado watches. A couple of hours to the north around Saginaw Bay there are ice storm warnings. Further north than that and there are blizzard warnings. We have had heavy rain, and are under high wind warnings overnight. I think we got the best of a very bad storm.

Bill is now finished with wrestling. He decided to give his spot at individual districts to another person. After six years of working his butt off, he gives away his last chance to wrestle in his senior year. I am amazed by him. I only hope the kid who gets his place will appreciate it (though I suspect, in the way of such things, no one other than I and his father and brother will). However, he can now freely eat for the first time in his teen years, and I think that will make him happy.

We had a potluck at work tonight and I stopped off at the gourmet grocery store and picked up some rosemary foccacio bread and some wonderful very sharp two year old Canadian cheddar. I saw this micro brew there that made me laugh my head off. It was from a brewery in Cleveland and the beer was called "Burning River". The box had a picture of Cleveland with the Cuyahoga River on fire, as it once did due to its high pollution content.

I am about to take a nice hot shower, then cuddle with Dan, and fall asleep snuggled up next to him while listening to the wind roaring in the trees.

 

rain and fog

Last night it was pouring rain. After getting home from work I watched the Olympics for awhile with Dan, then we went to bed. We were all snuggled together, warm and soft, and fell asleep listening to the rain drumming on the roof. It was incredibly peaceful.

It is very rainy and foggy today, as the snow is melting. Tonight we are supposed to get heavy rain for hours, and a very dangerous windstorm. Dan promised he would make sure that we have fuel on hand for the generator, as well as candles, matches, and flashlights available in key places throughout the house in case we lose the electricity. I suppose I should bring in some firewood as well.

It should be interesting driving home in the wind, if it is indeed as strong as what they are predicting. I think I shall take the back roads home and risk downed trees rather than the freeway and risk being blown about in my small but tall Jeep.

Last night was high school wrestling team districts. Our team went up against one of the top ranked teams in the state and was immediately eliminated. Saturday will be individual districts. Then Bill's season should be pretty much done, other than helping out with an occasional tournament for youngsters.

One down, one to go.  Four more years and then I will never have to sit in another hot gym.

Tomorrow and Monday the kids will be home from school on a mini break. It should be great having them around.

silly sensitive son; talking to sister

Well, even though Bill has not wrestled in two weeks due to being so sick (he is finally starting to get his appetite back, which is one of the signs to recovery from the virus we all had) when they ran the stats to find out which kids on the high school team have the best records so they can send the top 14 to individual districts, he came up. He is number 13. The problem is that two kids came in for a tie for the fourteenth and last spot, and one of them has to somehow be eliminated.

Bill is all torn up inside. He is a senior, and wants that one last chance to get on the mat. But he feels bad for those two kids, and is seriously considering withdrawing so one of them can take his place. Added to that, he does not feel as if he will wrestle at all well, given the fact that he has not wrestled in a while. So he feels that it might be better for the team if he does not wrestle.

Sometimes I think my poor son has a too highly developed sense of fairness. He is really going to get screwed over multiple times in his life. But no one could be prouder of a child than I am of Bill; even at his young age, he knows what is truly important, even at the expense to self.

One of my sisters called this morning. She lives a couple of hours from here in northern Oakland county. They all just had the Norwalk virus as well. Her husband had to hospitalized for five days as he got very sick from it. But they are all recovering as well.

Given how this virus has swept through the state and gotten so many people sick; given that hundreds of people were infected at that one restaurant alone - I am very cynical about the bird flu if it ever mutates to be passed from person to person. The public health officials seem to have done nothing at all about this Norwalk virus. How will the bird flu be any different? And that is much more fatal.

I know Bill does not want a traditional open house or party when he graduates from high school in June. But after talking to my sister, I think I want to ask just my sisters (and their spouses if applicable) to come for that weekend. I have to find out from the high school if they allow unlimited family members to come to the ceremony before I can ask them. I do not want people to come from out of state and not be able to attend the ceremony.But that is something I can easily find out.

thoughts on cruelty and forgiveness

Had a very nice and relaxing day with Dan. It might have taken him twenty years of marriage, but he's finally figured out that I do want any material gifts or cards for Valentine's Day - I only want to have time with him. And that is what he gave me today.

I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness today.

It is one of the most important things you can do in life, for you own well being. I learned that the hard way, after a horrible childhood filled with abuse.

It is all too easy to hate and resent people who have been cruel to you.

But when you hate, it can come to possess you. It can destroy you.

You must forgive, before bitterness eats up your heart, and sours your life.

When I finished up my bachelor's degree, I had to take two college classes about Christanity. One of the classes was taught by a nonpracticing Lutheran pastor. he summed up my feelings about forgiveness in much better words than I have ever been able to state.

When someone hurts you, you must forgive them. You have to let that go. Otherwise it will hurt you. BUT if there is a pattern of cruelty, you do not need to put up with that. You must forgive the person who hurt you (for your own good) but you do not need to accept further bad acts. Forgive - but you do not need to forget. And you must not subject yourself to further harm, if that is at all possible.

The cruelest person I have ever known was my mother. It was difficult, given how monstrous her behavior was, but I was finally able to forgive her. But I did keep my distance from her, as much as possible, for the remainder of her life. Why subject yourself to abuse? And once I realized how emotionally and mentally sick she was, it was easy to forgive. Yes, she enjoyed hurting people. But she was mad; she might not have had a choice in that.

Now, to my former friend. There are many wonderful things about him - in fact, I will probably always be very glad that I knew him, and part of me will always love all of those fine qualities that drew me to him - his intelligence, his humor, his love of books and music, his broad knowledge of history, his funny laugh. He is funny and charming, and can be quite kind at times.

Yet, that pattern of cruelty is established now. First, the thing that happened to blow up our friendship; he put me in a very bad situation,and when I objected to that he told me that I was unimportant, so vindictive completely innocent people have to be protected from me, and fit only to be used for casual entertainment and nothing more. This came out of the blue from a friend I adored and trusted. Three months later, when I made my first approach to see if he would like to be friends again, he never even asked how I was, though he knew how upset and hurt I was. Rather, he stated that he had not done anything wrong, and asked why I had a problem. That resulted in one of the few times I have ever completely lost my temper with someone, and I screamed my head off at him. I am not proud of that; I view it as a great failure on my part, as I have always felt very strongly that someone hurting you does not give you the right to hurt them in return.

Well, in the following year I have asked for forgiveness. I have approached him again and again, asking for a chance to talk things out and be friends again. At times he has been friendly - enough times to hope that things might indeed work out. But whenever push came to shove, he would put me off with excuses so lame as to be insulting. Now I know that there was nothing for him to forgive, and nothing to work out - but he let me think that there was for a year. For a year he knew that I thought I had done something that had offended him or hurt him, and let me make approach after approach to work things out, and he never had the courtesy to let me know that I was not the problem. And that is just cruel.

So, while I will always love many things about this man, and while I freely forgive him for his actions, as they are clearly due to extreme insecurity, I cannot stay in such a situation.

I wish him well. I wish him happy. I hope every good dream he has ever had comes true for him.

But it is time for me to move on. In a way I now feel free - now I do not have the weight of thinking that I have horribly offended or hurt a beloved friend on my shoulders anymore. And now I can go forth with happiness and freedom and find new friends, real friends, other people to love, who will also love me.

In the end, life will be good.  Life will be sweet.  And I will be free.

Valentine's Day part two

Spent a wonderful morning cuddled up in bed with Dan. We played spoons, which is very cuddly and pleasant and relaxing. We are about to go eat lunch at our favorite local diner. Then we will spend the first part of the afternoon together, before I head into work.

He likes the soft and warm flannel boxers I gave him, as well the chocolates. He also likes the very sexy nightie and underwear I got for myself.

In praise of my husband: he is a very secure person and does not mind that I have good friends such as Eric, who happen to be men. He is capable of trust. He does not try to limit or pick out my friends and acquaintances for me.

 

Valentine's Day

I think Dan and I will be having a good day today. I got up super early this morning and just got out of the shower. He is taking the morning off, and we will get to spend it alone together , and we might go out to lunch before I have to go into work tonight. I think it will be a wonderful morning.  I realize that as a night worker I will probably pay for this in a day or two with exhaustion from having gotten up so early this morning; but I also know that it will be worth it.

A good friend and wonderful human being, my buddy Eric, will be getting married! He asked his lady if she would marry him over the weekend. I am so happy for him I cannot even begin to express it. I do not know of anyone who deserves happiness more than Fisty!

There are, of course, sad things as well.

Life is always a mixture of good and bad, or sorrow and joy...

I am haunted by the sadness of a different friend and his wife losing the children they had hoped to adopt. They have been fostering them for over a year, but the court is taking them away and returning them to the abusive biological parents. I want to much to help; to say or do something that can make the situation more bareable for them. But I am clueless over what I could possibly say or do.

About 14 months ago, a friendship blew up on me. I have been trying ever since to work things out with that person, so that we can be friends again, even though that was against the very strong advice of a mutual friend who knew what had happened and said that I shouldn't bother as it would be a waste of time and effort and that the person simply didn't deserve any chances after the way things blew up. Well, perhaps foolishly, I did bother. Perhaps it was a mistake, but I would much rather err on the side of forgiveness and love and tolerance. Well, it now looks as if the person giving me that advice was absolutely right, and I was a fool. But I cannot fully regret it. I was wrong, but in the right way.  Now that the person let drop something yesterday, I now understand why he has been treating me so poorly over the past year. And that reason is not a cause for anger, but for profound pity. And friendships do not usually flourish in an atmosphere whereone person is an object of profound pity to another. So I am going to let go...it is best for everyone. And now the person who gave me the advice, if he wishes, can say "I told you so!"  I will have to let him know that.

To paraphrase his advice (with the swear words taken out) and to remind myself, if I should happen to get weak again on this matter:

What kind of person treats another person like total crap and when called on it says "I didn't do nuthin'. Why do you have a problem anyway?" What kind of a person treats another person like total crap and never apologizes or expresses any regret or remorse? What kind of a person treats another person like total crap and then never even once asks the other person how she is doing or how her life is going, when she gives him a chance to work things out? Why would you even want to give someone like that another chance? Why would you even want someone like that as a friend?

Those questions he has been asking me are harsh, but to the point. And I should keep them in mind.

I guess what really gets me is that for a year I have been making friendship gesture after friendship gesture to this man who is now a former friend. All of that time, I thought the reason he was treating me poorly was because of something I had said or done, unknowingly, to offend him. I had even asked for forgiveness. And for that year, he was friendly enough on occasion that I had hoped he would get over it, whatever it was, and we could at least talk about books and music again. And in all of that time, he never bothered to explain that it was nothing I had done; it was nothing to do with me at all, in fact. He still hasn't; just something he let drop yesterday brought on a eureka! moment that brought everything into clarity. It is nothing to do with me, though he let me believe that it did for a year. It is all because he feels that having me as a friend would be upsetting to the woman he is dating. It certainly doesn't say anything positive about him, that he would act so poorly towards someone he has known for years and not even bother explaining it. Since I now know what is going on, and I now know that there is nothing I can do about it - it's time to move on with my life. There are plenty of other people out there who are not so insecure that they drop people they have known and been friends with for years over the insecurities of other people. There are plenty of people out there with the maturity and goodwill to choose their own friends, and to stick by those people and not play ugly games with their heads. It says nothing positive about him, or the woman he is dating, that he has acted in this way.

I am someone who has always believed in forgiving others, giving others the benefit of the doubt, and in giving people second chances. In this case, it didn't work. Yet, if anything like this ever happens again, I will undoubtedly hand out plenty of second chances...perhaps I am a fool, perhaps I am stupid - but to me, forgiveness and friendship are two of the most precious things in life. I can live with myself, and what happened, knowing that I did my best to try to work things out.

I will always be glad that I knew this man, even with the pain of the past year. He was very supportive when my father passed, and at other times as well. While I feel a lot of pity mixed with disgust towards him right now, I know that there are many fine qualities to him, and in the end, I hope he will be happy and that he has a fine life.

Life, as always, goes on. And there will be better things, and finer people, and real friends, ahead of me. And the discovery of them will be a magnificent journey.

 

peaceful day; Winter Olympics

Ended up having a very peaceful day today, which was much needed and much appreciated. Dan and the boys headed down to the high school to help run a middle school wrestling tournament (I knew Bill was probably done for the season - today was the high school league championships, and the coach didn't even let him come along to watch). I stayed home, slept in very late, built a huge fire in the fireplace downstairs (the downstairs is warm for the first time in weeks ~ bliss!), and paid the bills.  It took me over six hours to sort through all of the mail and pay the bills.  No wonder it is high on the list of household tasks, right after cleaning toilets, of least favorite tasks. It takes nearly a full work day!

It gently snowed all day long today - it was wonderful to watch it through the window as I worked. It was lovely, just lovely.

This evening Steven volunteered to cook dinner (he took a pizza out of the freezer and baked it - but hey, if someone else is cooking I will not complain ). It smelled so good baking that I actually got hungry for the first time in over a week! I think I might finally be on the mend. I was careful to be sipping on drinks all day; that probably helped a lot.

Tonight we got a chance to see a bit of the Winter Olympics.  I love the Winter Games. Most of the sports are just so much fun to watch! Ice hockey, Alpine skiing, snow boarding, ski jumping, all three of the sled sports...I could go on and on! The snowscapes in the mountains are always so lovely! The only sport I cannot stand is the figure skating. It is not a true sport in my eyes, and the crooked judging does not help. And the dopey, hideous costumes with all of the shiny fabric and sequins are just plain tacky and ugly. Unfortunately, they are showing some figure skating tonight, but it is balanced by some luge and moguls and later they will have some speed skating.

both bitter and sweet

Well, it was quite a week. Bill and I are still recovering from that virus, a week later. We are both having problems becoming fully hydrated, though, as the doctor said - as long as we keep drinking as much as we can stand to, it will eventually happen. At least the kidney ache is not as frequent as it was earlier in the week. And there are not as many dizzy spells as earlier. And Bill is probably through with wrestling, as he is still weak, and the season is so close to being over anyway. The doctor did not forbid it, though he certainly did not encourage it, either. He had lost nearly ten pounds from the vomiting and diarrhea last weekend - which is a lot when you only weight 130 pounds to begin with. He is on the low end of what the doctor wants him to weigh, so they keep a close eye on his weight. They really scolded him before we explained how sick he had been. The doctor confirmed it had been the Norwalk virus that is sweeping the area, and after giving Bill a very thorough examination, said that he is still very dehydrated. Not quite enough to go to the ER for an outpatient IV, but enough to be concerned about, and to keep a close eye on his fluid intake.

I'm sort of sad that after all of those years of work, his probable last match as a senior will be one where he writhed on the mat from the pain of tummy cramps, and then vomited all over the mat in front of a huge crowd...but since he had such a rough four years in high school it is almost appropriate, too. Of all of the seniors on the team, his was the roughest road, with the most work for the least reward. But that is a part of life, and hopefully someday he can look back at that and learn some lessons from it.

Yesterday I took Steven in to the ear clinic at UM Hospital for his annual hearing test. there are genetic hearing problems in his father's family, and he has congenital hearing loss. He cannot hear one specific frequency (oddly enough - the frequency of a referee's whistle). They give him some tests every year to make sure he is not losing anymore of his hearing. This year he was just fine.

Afterwards I took him to breakfast at Angelo's, a restaurant near the hospital which is one of the most favorite breakfast places in Ann Arbor. They bake their own bread there, and the toast (and French toast) are these wonderful big slabs of delicious homemade bread. Steven seemed to really enjoy going there, and had a decadent breakfast of deep fat fried French toast, smothered under whipped cream and fresh berries. It was my first real meal since last weekend when I got so sick, and I managed to eat two slabs of toast and some breakfast potatoes. Since I still have no appetite (a problem Bill is also having) I had to force myself to eat it, and I am proud I managed to get so much down.

Last night Dan and I went to hear some wonderful mariachi music in Ann Arbor. It is hard to find good mariachi music in this area, and this was very good maricahi music, from a group called Mariachi Los Camperos de Nati Cano. They had a concert in the big classical auditorium at UM. It was a lot of fun, and the music was just grand. The entire crowd really got into it and clapped along and sang to better known songs. Unfortunately, Dan was not feeling well (also having unpleasant aftereffects from the virus) and I worried about him. He had stopped taking his blood pressure medication when he was sick, as it is a "water pill", and he was dehydrated from being sick and decided it wasn't a good idea to take it until he started feeling better. The other night he started taking it again, and it did a whammy on him. So he was shifting and squirming in his seat. I kept offering to leave and go home, but he kept refusing. I wanted him to call the doctor this morning, but he wouldn't do that, either. What is it with men and not going to the doctor?

Bill got a letter yesterday offering him advanced admission into the architecture school at Ball State. He has until the end of the month to make up his mind. Hopefully he will know by then whether or not he will be offered a full ride scholarship from Western Michigan, and what is going on at Northwestern...

what a bad week this is becoming

Bill was back in school today, though he still felt very very weak. I went back to work again tonight, though I am still having the kidney screams in my back, and am having occasional dizzy spells. How much do we have to keep drinking to finally re hydrate ourselves, for heaven's sake? I felt like I was moving in slow motion all day today...

Apparently this stuff is going around the area right now, and is causing all sorts of problems. A restaurant in Ann Arbor had to temporarily close because so many of its employees were sick with it, a middle school in a neighboring county had to close, and a restaurant in Lansing had some sick employees come into work, and they infected something like 350-400 people. It is a norovirus which causes this:

http://www.cdc.gov/ncidod/dvrd/revb/gastro/faq.htm

On top of the health issues, JACHO (the national hospital accreditation group) arrived at my employer today for a surprise inspection and will be there until Friday. It is always extremely stressful to have them around, though possibly not as bad as the US Inspector General. Actually, it would be very hard to choose which one is worse to deal with...

And the worst news of all is that my friend will be losing his two sons. My friend and his lovely wife became foster parents many many months ago to two little boys (a baby and a toddler) who had been taken from their biological "parents" because they were abused. My friend and his wife love the two little ones as much as any words could ever express. They had hoped to permanently adopt them. But the courts are apparently going to hand them back to the abusive "parents".

Such things can drive you mad with fury and grief if you think about them too much.

back to work

Though my back is still aching on both sides right above my pelvis (I think my kidneys are still screaming at me), things are better. I even managed to pee a couple of times this afternoon and evening. That's not usually a big deal...except when you are so dehydrated that you can't. Bill is doing better, too, according to Dan, who came home about the time I left this afternoon.

Ah well. The best lessons we can learn in this life are usually the most painful. I know after this weekend, I will have a lot more compassion for people who have severe diarrhea! And the next time I read an old novel where the heroine "romantically" faints I will get a good laugh. There is nothing romantic whatsoever about fainting - it is embarrassing and unpleasant and frightening.

The dog and cats are very unhappy today. They have not had canned food since Saturday. They have plenty of fresh, clean water - and unlimited amounts of dry food. But none of us can stand the thought of opening up the stinky canned food right now. The pets feel as if they are being tortured, but I think they will have to wait a day or so...

more sickness & am I ever getting tired of it!

Well, Saturday night and on into Sunday was pretty bad. Dan and Bill were both very sick. I got it, too. At one point, after washing my hands after yet another round of having diarrhea and vomiting in the trash can while sitting on the commode, I started feeling very light headed. My only though was to get back to bed before  I collapsed, but I didn't make it. I fainted in the hallway. I came to, scrabbling my hands against the floor like a rat in a cage, and whimpering. Dan was hovering over me - he had heard the big thud as I had gone down. I was glad he was there, as he could get me the garbage can so I could throw up some more. He stayed with me until I was done with more vomiting and diarrhea, and helped me get back to bed until the next round hit.

At one point I realized how diarrhea like that could kill someone, if left untreated for a few days. It was like water, and uncontrollable. Nasty, nasty, nasty.

I was still going to try to go into work last night, until Dan pointed out that I had just asked him to stay in the bathroom and sit on the toilet with a book while I got a quick bath. If I was too shaky to take a bath without a spotter, I could not safely drive or work, either.

Things are finally going a bit better today. Bill is home from school, but he can keep down crackers and juice and water this morning. I am better, too, other than an awful back ache. I think my kidneys are screaming at me because I am so dehydrated. I am drinking as much juice and water as I can stand to without getting my stomach going again.

Reading back over this blog, I have just realized how rough this winter has been. It has been one sickness or injury after another for one family member after another. This is starting to become extremely tiring.

turning into a rotten day

It had been a nice day here at home with Steven. We were at peace, and watched the huge snowflakes fall this afternoon. We built a huge warm fire for the cats and the dog to bask beside.

Then Dan and Bill got home from Battle Creek. They had to leave because they were both so sick. They threw up in garbage bags all the way home and they had diarrhea, too. And they've been sick ever since they got here. Lord, they can't even keep water down.

I had finished watching a good, though very gross movie right before they got home while Steven was downstairs. I'm glad that was done before they got home! It was one I had been wanting to see since our weekend in Evanston. Steven and I had seen the man eating lions at the Field Museum, and so I watched the movie about them, called Ghost and the Darkness. The two lions killed and ate humans like foxes would go after chickens in a hen coop. Not anything someone already throwing up needs to see!

The snow changed back over to winter mix, and though it rained/snowed/mixed all day long, we ended up without really any ground cover...

the return of winter

Winter has returned today. Last night before going to bed I peeked out the front door and saw that we were having a freezing fog. It was raining most of the morning, and has now switched over to snow. The weather forecasts are very jumbled right now. Depending on which forecast you listen to, we could have anywhere between one and twelve inches of snow this afternoon and tonight, depending upon the storm track and when any particular area switches over from snow to rain.

Steven was still feeling sort of icky yesterday so stayed home from school. Today he is feeling better, and I just made him a large lunch, which he eagerly devoured. I guess he must be hungry after not eating very much (or nothing at all during the height of the throwing up period) for the last two days.

Bill and Dan are off at a wrestling tournament in Battle Creek. Bill is spending the night there with his team. Dan might stay there or return - it depends completely on the roads. It started snowing there hours before it started here, so everything is unclear at the moment. At least he has my Jeep, so he will have the four wheel drive if he needs it. If he is not able to make it home, I will try to get to work tomorrow in his Dodge Ram. The weight of that truck often gets it through bad snow, even though it does not have the four wheel drive.

I am watching the huge snow flakes coming down. They are very beautiful. In a few minutes, I will build a fire in the fireplace for the cats. They love to bask near it, and just soak up the heat from the hearth.

dune chapter 6

Dune chapter 6: How do we approach the study of Muad'Dib's father? A man of surpassing warmth and surprising coldness was the Duke Leto Atreides. Yet, many facts open the way to this Duke: his abiding love for his Bene Gesserit lady; the dreams he held for his son; the devotion with which men served him. You see him there- a man snared by Destiny, a lonely figure with his light dimmed behind the glory of his son. Still, one must ask: What is the son but an extension of the father?
~ from "Muad'Dib, Family Commentaries" bu the Princess Irulan

In this chapter we get to see the Duke Leto interact with his on Paul.

Many things become clear. Leto mentions that he is a leader of sorts for the Great Houses in the Landsraad. Leto also knows that he and his family are in grave danger, but is willing to step into the trap he knows is there. The potential rewards are as great as the danger.

The risks are not only from military attack from the Harkonnen and possibly from the Emporer - but they also face a possible attack on an economic front. Arrakis is the only sourse of the most priceless substance in the galaxy - the spice melange. The Harkonnen have undoubtedly been stockpiling melage for two decades. If they can cripple productin under the Atreides, they can cause economic troubles and ripples throughout the galaxy, while cleaning up themselves on the markets from their stockpiles. This will bring enmity and isolation upon House Atreides, and undermine Leto's leadership among the great Houses.

Leto tells Paul that he believes that the dreaded Imperial troops, the Sardauker, come from the hell world of Salusa Secundis. The horrible environmental conditions there form the toughest fighters in the galaxy. Paul is quick to make the connection with the Fremen on Arrakis. can those people, who live in conditions every bit as bad, also be formed into a force of elite and dreaded fighters? A force who will support the Atreides?

This is really where I start to wonder what Leto is up to. What does he want this elite force for? Is it just to protect his family from the Harkonnen and the Emperor , or does he have Imperial ambitions himself? The Emperor only has daughters...and from the Dune Houses series, we know that Leto is a cousin of Shaddam, and that Shaddam has killed all of his more closely related male relatives. Does Leto wish to sieze power, perhaps marry his son to one of the Imperial daughters? Does he want his children or grandchildren to rule the galaxy? Or does he really only wish to protect his family from evil and debased enemies?

We end with the note that Paul has the sort of mind that he could become a mentat with the right sort of training. He agrees to receive that training...

ground hog day

Today it was Steven's turn to get the tummy bug. Poor kid couldn't even keep down water most of the day. Top that off with his coaches pushing him back into wrestling meets too quickly (his father will not stand up to them on the matter and I never see them because of my work schedule) and seriously messing up his already injured knee earlier this week (he cannot feel anything, and the doctors cannot even properly evaluate it until some of the feeling comes back to the knee in a week or two) and missing school last week due to the nasty cold, and the little guy has been having a rough time lately.

Bill is doing well. Having last weekend off and getting lots of sleep when we were in Kalamazoo has really recharged his batteries. He and Dan will be traveling with the high school team to Battle Creek for a big tournament this weekend. It should be fun for them; and home should be very pleasant and peaceful for Steven and me. If his tummy is feeling better, I will bake him some cookies.  Maybe we can finally go see the Narnia movie.