When I finally got to bed this morning, Dan was waiting up for me. Guess some unpleasant things cannot be avoided, even if you try. :( A rather intense and ugly conversation followed.
"Where was all of this concern when we drove back from my father's funeral, making it from Nashville to Detroit in 6 hours, stopping once to pee, and not at all for food? Just to make it home in time for a wrestling practice?"
5 minutes of silence.
"You were an after-thought."
You have to at least give the man
credit for honesty, no matter how painful it might be.

The poem about my father finally finshed baking tonight, and came spilling out at work, making me cry. Luckily I was in an area where I am very isolated from other people, so was able to capture it, and cry, without people getting concerned.

The drive home was better tonight, though there was still blowing snow. The police officers warned us about not using the freeway due to black ice, so all went well on the surface roads.
Steven was very tired today and crept into bed next to me and snuggled and slept.
He is such a sweet little guy. And his feet are nearly as big as mine now! Amazing! :)
Dan waited up for me tonight, said he was concerned, but I sent him on to bed. I don't even know how to talk to him anymore, and his way of showing concern usually means stepping and in and taking over whatever he thinks needs taking over. Thanks, but no thanks. :(

The kids are home again today. We got more snow last night and strong winds, and the roads filled in again with blowing snow as fast as they were plowed. In fact, it is still sprinkling now...driving home was another white knuckle drive last night, as you couldn't even see where the road itself was sometimes, much less the lanes.

The snow is deep enough outside that is a hoot watching the squirrels. You can see their tails sticking up, and now and then a little head pop up...

Max enjoys the snow, he hops through it like a rabbit, then hops up to me, grinning ear to ear. The fact that a dog as large as a black lab is having trouble moving through it lets you know how deep it is getting...
Two more work nights this week...hopefully the drives will be a bit better...

Well, we sure got our winter storm. I drove home from work last night in the ice storm...and woke up this morning to several additional inches of snow on the ground to go along with the six inches we had. I think I will have to leave for work a couple of hours early today. Miraculously, after the ice storm we still have power!
The kids do not have school today, and are busy having fun. I woke up to the sounds of playing children, and that is always a joyful thing. :)
I have been thinking a lot about Dad...
I have a poem or two baking away in the back of my brain...one is about how this boy from the misty green mountains tries to deal with warfare in the cold, harsh desert...

Steven left his trophy out for me to see this morning, and it is indeed a bobblehead. Looks just like a regular trophy, but the head bobbles...
The next couple of days the weather is supposed to get pretty wild. Strom #1 is supposed to come through this afternoon, an ice storm with freezing rain. Late tonight/early tomorrow morning storm #2 will come through, with up to eight inches of snow. It is snowing tiny snow pellets right now, looks like a freezing fog sort of thing. Not looking forward to the drive
into work, or home from work today. It's been a long winter...will be glad for spring to arrive this year. :)
Put in all of my vacation requests for the next year last night, for the time off lottery. I have for a serious chunk of time in late June/early July for going to New Mexico and maybe stopping off at my father's house on the way back, long weekends for Labor Day, my birthday, the kids' birthdays, and Dan's birthday. And a long weekend for Thanksgiving. I will hopefully
know what I actually get off by March. I will hopefully be taking off a lot more time next year, the kids' spring break to take them to Washington and Baltimore, and a week for camping in the summer, and a couple of weeks at Christmas (this is my year to work Christamas and New Years). This year I want to save up a bit of time...Holidays I will be working in 2004 include Presidents Day, Memorial Day, Columbus Day, Christmas, and New Years...they already have those figured out...
Oh, the website for that huge prestigious tournament Steven qualified for is at: http://www.ohiotofc.com

According to phone conversations, Steven did quite well today in Ohio. He brought home a medal and a trophy (Dan said it looks like a normal trophy, but is actually a bobble head!), and he qualified for one of the biggest tournaments in America, The Ohio Tournament of Champions (if I remember correctly, their website is at http://www.ohiotoc.com). I hope he doesn't go...it would be expensive, he and Bill would miss a day of school, and we would have to spend a weekend in Columbus, and I'm not sure how that would work out with my work since I work every Sunday.
I will have to hunt for the weird trophy tomorrow. I will have to wait until Friday to see my son and ask him about his impressions, unless there is a snowday this week with the incoming snowstorms...

I KNOW I have no grounds for complaint, with so many couples having their significant others in Iraq or Afganistan these days, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be able to actually see and speak to and touch your husband
on a daily basis...other than when one or the other is asleep...and only talking for a few minutes here and there on the phone...we haven't had regular time together in over fifteen years...and our days off are even different, when he even takes days off...sometimes in the fall he can go 60 days or more without a single one...
What would it be like to have a sweetheart, someone you can talk to and laugh with and TOUCH? Someone that you actually matter to?

 

Well, back to work tonight...
Steven and Dan are in Ohio for (what else ; ) ) a wrestling tournament today, so I get a day with my big guy.
Due to injuries, he has been moved up in weight classes to fill in a hole in the roster. He can finally eat now, and is enjoying eating a great deal. I hope to take him out to lunch today before I have to go to work.
Still cold -- it is zero right now. Brrrrrr.

 

And for those of you who have asked, here is a bit about my father's death, what I had said to John last night...(feels weird quoting myself )
Quote:
On the day he died, my father was very weak, but when my sister went to visit him, he asked for a reading from the book of Matthew, and wanted to listen to some gospel music on the little CD player in his room. He then asked to see the pictures of all of his daughters and grandchildren, and smiled at them all, then went to sleep. The rehab center called her later and said he was passing, so she hurried out there, and when she came into the room he didn't say anything, but he clearly recognized her and gave her a smile, then he slipped into unconciousness and then slipped away. So he wasn't alone, which was my greatest fear for him. When he had cancer surgery a few years ago and I flew down for him, he was terrified of death. Apparently he had made peace with death and God and with himself, and was ready for it now. And the last act of his life was to smile.
The little town where he died was beautiful. It is called Westmoreland, TN, near the border with Kentucky, and in a very hilly area. It was sprinkling snow yesterday morning, and the drive there from my sister's house in Gallatin was lovely. There were rolling hills and horse farms, cliffs, creeks, and even a waterfall or two. It made me feel better to know that what he saw on his last journey would have pleased him so much, as he loved nature so.



My father was a good man, who spent his life in service of others. He was born in 1922 in the backmost hills of West Virginia, in the hollers of Panther Creek in McDowell County. His father's first wife had died, and his mother was his father's second wife. That first marriage had three sons, and the second produced eight children, of whom my father was the second oldest. When my father was still young, his father died of tuberculosis and inflammation of his brain. All of the children had to drop out of school to work odd jobs and try to support the large family. A lot of the weight of that fell on him and his oldest full brother. One of the little ones actually died of hunger during the Depression. My father always felt partially responsible for that, and often dreamed of a child crying from hunger. When World War 2 broke out, my father and his two surviving brothers and one of the half brothers all joined up, sending their paychecks home to support the family. My father served in the Army Air Force, and saw fighting in Northern Africa and Italy. When the War was over he came home to West Virginia.
The GI bill allowed him to return to school. Of all of the things in his life, he was most proud of making up grades 3-12 in one year, then being admitted to college. He graduated with honors from Concord College in Athens, West Virginia, where he met and married my mother.
He taught school in West Virginia for a few years, but he could not make a living at it down there, and always had to work a second job. So in the late 1950's he moved up to Michigan, with my mother and three older sisters. He worked at Lake Orion Public Schools until he retired in the 1980's.
My mother became mentally ill about the time I was born in the mid 1960's, and she became a very manipulative and abusive person. Since my sisters were so much older than I was, the brunt of this fell upon my father and I. Though his life was unspeakably difficult, he stayed with my mother and took care of her, depite her abuse, paranoia, and hatred until she died two springs ago. He never blamed her, knowing that she was ill, and quietly took care of her for all of those years, always faithful and loyal to her.
He went through many things in his life. He survived the Great Depression and WW2. He survived hepatitus and cancer. He survived emotional abuse most people could not imagine, and faced it with grace and forgiveness. But he lost heart after my mother's death, and never really got over it. They had been married for over 50 years.
He was such a good man. I got my love of nature and books and music fromhim. Family was so important to him, and he loved us all so much! I know that after having to endure so much in his life that he is now at peace, and he is happy, and he is being healed from all of his trials and hurts. I will always love him, and always be proud that he was my father.

are the journals working yet today?
The journals have been down for a few days now...I would like to thank my coworkers and friends who not only contributed a huge basket of plants to my father's memorial service, but who took good care of me Wednesday and Thursday nights, and made sure that I ate, and provided food for me to eat. I am truly blessed by them, as are the patients who come to our hospital...truly good and caring people...
I have trying to keep as busy as can be since coming home from TN...yesterday I washed five loads of laundry, and sorted ten and put them all away. Today several more loads, grocery shopping, and finally packing away the holiday decorations.
Today is our Milan jv/middle school tournament, and I usually help out, but Dan did not volunteer me this year...he thought I would be better off sitting it out, and I agree. So I am home with my housework and my little son, who has been giving me dozens of hugs daily
since my father passed.
My one big breakdown (so far) came when I was unpacking the bags of clothes (my sister gave us most of the clothes Dad had with him at the rehab center). I came across one of his favorite shirts, that said Proud Grandpa of a Wrestler, and dissolved into tears.

We got in from Tennesee last night, Dan driving like a maniac all the way so that Bill could make it for part of wrestling practice. After all, that is more important than my comfort, or than spending a bit more time with my family after the death of my father. What little hope I might have had deep down inside that my marriage might still have a bit of life in it has died now, along with my father.

I do not know if I am more tolerant than some people I know, or just plain stupid to put up with this stuff. :(

I feel better now knowing that Dad did not die alone, but with one of my sisters with him. And the last act of his life was to smile...

I guess I messed up a bit yesterday. In order for things to make sense, go down three entries, read that one first, then the one two down, then the one under this one...
Alone with Steven today. Dan and Bill went off to wrestling. It is snowing here, and an ice storm down in Ohio, so I guess we will be leaving tomorrow. Dan tried to be kind yesterday. He talked to my family and friends, and he took the morning off until the kids got home (they had a half day) so I wouldn't be alone. On the other hand, the first thing he asked about after I told him my father had died was how it would affect Bill's wrestling tournament on Saturday. He said he would be back soon after he left, as I was so upset he said I shouldn't be alone, but he left until evening, and then took away the children to wrestling practice, and they were gone for hours. More lies, though he always denies that they are lies. Lies, and lies, and lies, and lies...

and joy and all of the things he denied himself in this world. Dad, I hope you are eating ice cream right now, and your beloved peanut brittle, and you have a book by Louis L'Amour in your lap -- and I hope you are laughing with happiness. I love you. I will always love you. May you be happy now, and at peace.

he spent as a teacher. He was married for over 50 years to my mother, who was mentally and emotionally unstable, but he was faithfull and loyal to her until the end of her life. Many people would have given up and left, given the abuse in that house, but he stayed with her...if I could have had one wish for him it would have been that he could have found happiness and love to replace the hatred, suspician, and abuse. Well, now, after a long and difficult life, may he have healing and love

The memorial service for my father will be on Monday. He died in Westmoreland, Tennessee, and my older sister lives in nearby Gallatin, so it will be down there...tomorrow there is supposed to be an ice storm in the Ohio Valley, so I am not sure if we will be leaving first thing tomorrow, or if we will be leaving Sunday, when the roads will be better. :(
My father served others all of his life. He was i nthe Army Air Force and served in WW2 in northern Africa and Italy. Most of the rest of his adult life

My father died last night. I can't really bring my self to talk about this right now, but we will be out of town for a few days for his memorial service.
Perhaps when I return, I can speak.

Thursday night. Made it through another week at work. :)
Bill had a wrestling meet tonight. Dan told me he did very well, and looked good, though he is not 100% yet. Hopefully he will do well at the huge tournament in Napoleon this weekend.
As for me, this weekend I hope to get all of the holiday decorations put away. I also need to do some serious
housework. And I get to go to a baby
shower on Saturday, which will be a joy. :) I love babies. :) I love baby showers. :) And Steven, who will be
with me loves the restaurant where it will be held, the Cracker Barrel, so he will also have a great afternoon. :)
Needs to warm up a bit, though...below zero tonight...the doggy set new records for speed peeing when I got home. ;)

Woke up to snow this morning. Very pretty, but now I have to drive in it to get to work -- yuck!

I very rarely remember my dreams, but last nights's was a doozy. Terrorists exploded small nukes in two cities in Europe and wiped out two small cities, one in France and one in western Russia...in the first part of my dream, I was watching the news and weeping with the children, while Dan was yelling at us (I can't remember why he was yelling...) and then somehow I became one of the women in France, who had been away from home, and who had lost her family. She/I was in a refugee camp set up by NATO/UN on the shore of a lake filled with reeds...the need to get home, to make sure her/my family really was dead was the one consuming thought...I woke up to her/my screams...
That was such an unsettling and freakish dream! Maybe if that's the sort of dream I usually have, I should be glad not to be able to remember them :(

Lost my temper today...as usual when that happens, I am not proud of myself...
I must work on trying to be more patient with others... :(
Bill is feeling a lot better. One of the other kids on the team got a concussion late last week, and Bill is trying to help him through it. Today he is staying after school to tutor another kid in one of his classes...I am so blessed in Bill. At 15 he is more mature and reliable and thoughtful than many adults...everytime I think that it
is not possible to be prouder of him, he always finds a way to prove me wrong...

Poor Dan now has the coughing thing, just as Bill and I are getting better (we've both had it since mid-December). I hope he doesn't have it as long as we did...and I am petty and selfish enough to hope he doesn't give it back to me or the kids.... :(
Get better soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Got a nice long letter from my oldest sister today. My Dad is out of the hospital and now in a rehabilitation facility in Tennessee. He is still very sick and weak, the purpose of this place is to get him strong and walking again, so he can come home to his daughters. He apparently has hereditary lung problems -- no wonder Steven and I have asthma -- I knew it ran in my mother's family, now I know lung problems run on both sides of my family...I am just glad he is doing better, as it sounds as if he
nearly died...and I would not have even been able to see him...
We looked at the map, he is maybe 10 or 12 miles from my oldest sister, who is very trustworthy and responsible, thank God...
I hope he gets well enough so he can come stay with us for part of the summer - we would like to pick him up on our way back from New Mexico. I think he would like staying with his youngest grandchildren for awhile, maybe get to see them play soccer...give him a reason for joy, a reason for life...

Things seem to be going well today. Bill still shows no signs of ring worm. :) Steven's pink eye has cleared up so he could go back to school. :) (miss my Little Man, though...) This morning was the first morning since I started getting sick on Dec. 16 when I didn't wake up to an immediate coughing storm, so I might FINALLY be getting better. I am still coughing, and spitting stuff up, but its not bloody and its less frequent, so that is all good. :) I was beginning to think I might not ever get better. :(
Best of all, I get next Monday off of work for MLK Day, and the kids don't have school (though they will probably still have wrestling), so I will be able to go out to lunch and maybe even a movie with them. :) I miss them so much when they are in school...especially with Bill going through such a rough patch right now, I wish I could spend more time with them...

I am pleased this morning. Steven's pink eye seems to have completely cleared up -- I was able to finally hug him this morning! And Bill shows no signs of ring worm, though it could pop up anytime by the end of this coming week...
Sunday...I work tonight...Bill has wrestling practice, we are up to 7 days a week wrestling now for him, six for the little guy...
At least today is a bit warmer, might even make it up near freezing...

Today, since we will not be going to Blissfield, I am spending my day cleaning and doing endless piles of laundry (we have been stripping both children's beds every day as an infectious disease measure because of the ringworm exposure and the pink eye).
I also need to get the holiday decorations packed away, though I think I will leave the outside lights up, since it is in the single digits again...

Got another day home with my little sweetie today, as the original eye was better, but it spread to the other eye. Today would have been his season opener in a scrimage against Lincoln, and he would have had three matches, but he didn't wrestle so as not to infect other children.
Today was a first as far as I know...the high school coach withdrew the team from tomorrow's tournament. There are many injured or sick kids, and there would have been many voids...this way perhaps some of the kids can get
a bit of extra rest and heal.
The coach also said that Dan has been telling him and Bill that Bill might not ever make a full recovery from his concussion, and might never be the same. God, that pisses me off. The docs at UM said he would be fine in about two months...Dan needs to keep his mouth shut, especially to Bill! I know it is Dan's fear talking, but how will this help his son? GRRRRRRRRR

Today Steven stayed home from school, so as not to infect anyone else with pinkeye. We have had a very nice morning together, having a big breakfast and hot chocolate, and I got to finish addressing the holiday cards. I think this year I will have to send out Valentines Day cards, as I did not have time to include the kids' school pictures or get presents for most family members due to various sickness and injuries.

Speaking of which, Steven looks very comical today. He has one black eyewhich he got in wrestling practice last week, and he has pink eye in the other eye.

He has spent most of the day quietly reading, and I have been spending it doing intensive laundry, as we had to strip the beds because of ring worm exposure and the pink eye. I get to go to work in about an hour...will probably scrub the house some more tomorrow and rest as much as I can to try to heal, then go to Blissfield for the team tournament on Saturday.

I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry tonight. Stevie has pink eye.

Bill got his academic letter without either of his parents there. (sobs) I had to work, Dan had to take Steven to the doctor, and the only apointment they had was at the same time (Dan found out this afternoon at the middle school wrestling practice that Steven's eye hurt)... :(
Dan said Bill took things with his usual grace...says I am more upset about no one being there for him than he was...
My friends are all teasing me that I will
come into work tommorow itching my ringworm and rubbing my pink eyes. (sigh)
I just wish I could get past this respiratory infection, as there is no chance of seeing my father until I get better. :(

Today Bill was exposed to ringworm, also known as wrestler's bane. What more can happen to the poor kiddo? :(

Cold today, high was around 10 degrees. Almost glad to be sick...got to stay snuggly and warm in bed most of the day until I had to go to work...

Dan had left the house early to do snow removal and came home to change his clothes about 9AM while I was asleep. He walked up to the bed to kiss my forehead and I woke up with this person looming over me and I screamed my head off! Too much like a nightmare I used to have for years and years where I was sleeping and woke up to find my mother standing over me with a sharp knife...

Tommorow Bill will get his academic letter to go along with his varsity athletic letter - I will have to work and will miss it. (cries)

We haven't heard anything since Christmas about how my dad is doing. I will have to try to track down sisters very soon so I can find out. :( I hope he is all right!!!!!!!!!

I am so glad I had that one very happy weekend right before all of this started...remembering it makes me feel better, makes me stronger, lets me cope with all of this bad stuff. It's amazing what a difference a bit of joy can make. :)

The kids went back to school today...which means I will only get to see them on three days a week. :( :(

Bill is still not feeling well, having trouble concentrating, even having trouble with his homework, which is amazing as he carries above a 4.0 in straight college prep classes while doing two sports. This thing is frustrating him and breaking my heart. :( Darned concussion!!)

And I am getting sicker now that I have finished my course of antibiotics. Lots of sinus drainage and coughing up stuff again as of Saturday, though  I am not spitting up any blood this time, thank God.

Snow again tonight, couldn't see the lanes on the roads driving home. Took a nasty fall i n the driveway coming into the house...scraped up my hands and knees... :(

I wish I could take the kids to Florida or Arizona for a few days. We would feel so much better i n the sunshine. :)

Listening to jazz tonight...very relaxing...

well, it certainly looks like we are getting our snowstorm... :) :)
when Dan and Bill get back home from wrestling practice, maybe I can beg one of them into going outside and playing with me. :) :)

Today it is snowing. :)
We can get anywhere up to a foot tonight. The kids are hoping for an extra day of vacation tomorrow if school gets cancelled.
Dan and I ran a bunch of errands in Ann Arbor this morning. I picked up a CD of Schubert's string quartets with a gift card I was given for Christmas, and am looking very forward to hearing it. :)
Dan just drove Bill down to wrestling practice. He wants to keep an eye on him to make sure he is OK, given how upset he was yesterday.

Steven is playing frantically on this last day of Christmas break.

I am going to listen to the Schubert, finish reading the botanical essays...rest...do laundry and dishes...rest...get ready for work tomorrow...woke up at 4AM this morning, so need to try harder to get back on a regular sleep and meal cycle...

Bad day. I woke up at 4AM, the time I get off work with those midnights...just threw the whole day off...
Bill had a really rough day wrestling...as would be expected two weeks after getting a concussion and wrestling against some of the best teams in the state...yet, he is such a perfectionist he is having trouble accepting that...
Dan kept our bargain...last year wrestling pretty much destroyed our marriage, so we made some agreements between us.  My demands were that he not get into people's faces and that we leave each tournament to find healthier food and eat lunch. For Blissfield we found a little bakery/tea house that had wonderful soup. Today we found a little bakery in Detroit Beach and bought Polish angel wings and doughnuts, and then a little pizzaria and got pizza. We drove along Lake Erie for awhile...went back to the tournament for awhile...but the gym was so hot and I was so tired we came home after a couple of hours. I went straight to bed, slept for about four hours, woke up and read my book of botany essays.
When Bill came home he was still all upset. Dan and I are now discussing whether to take him back to the doctor just to make sure he is OK... :(
Dan is watching football, Bill is sleeping, Steven is drawing, I will make some toast and then head back to bed very soon...

And tomorrow will be our first real snowstorm of the winter...6-12 inches. I am so glad I am not working like I usually am on Sundays. By the time i have to leave the house on Monday afternoon, the roads should all be fine.
Truly snow I can fully enjoy for once. :)

Glad to be done with midnights for awhile. I am very tired...

Ran errands today, got little room humidifiers for the bedrooms. In our old house we had a house humidifier, but our heating system here doesn't allow that...hopefully this will help us all feel a bit better, as we've all been a bit under the winter weather...

Will take Steven's friend (who spent the night) home soon, and take the boys to wrestling practice. Then more sleep...

Tomorrow the big tournament at Monroe Jefferson High School, in the shadow of the cooling towers of the nuclear plant...
I always feel a bit weird when I see all of the steam coming out of those towers...

We might go out to dinner tonight after the kids get done with their practices...way too tired to cook anything healthy tonight...so Big Boy salad bar here we come ;)

Quiet day alone at home so far...Steven is at a friend's house...Bill had wrestling practice, and Dan went with him...let me sleep, which I am grateful for.
One more midnight shift to work and I will be free for three days. :)
It's amazing how working midnights can reduce you to such biological concerns such as sleep and food. Sometimes our civilized veneer wears thin...
I am cooking up a huge batch of Macaroni and Cheese in the oven. Should make everyone very happy. :)


I finished the book I was reading, HMS Surprise, when I woke up. I am really enjoying this series of books by Patrick O'Brian. :)

I have to find a bit of time with Dan sometime in the next day or so, as I have to get my vacation and holiday requests in at work soon...its always easier said than done, trying to track him down... :(
Though he is trying a lot harder this year, after the really bad problems we had last year...we both just work too much and don't see each other enough...
We did meet for a late lunch yesterday, on his way home from work and on my way into work. We ate at the Chinese restaurant where we had our first date all those years ago (1983). It was nice seeing him. He said it was the first time he had seen me happy since I and my father got sick and Bill got his concussion...guess the last few weeks have been rather stressful at that...
This weekend is the big wrestling tournament in Monroe...Bill had worked so hard to try to medal...
...but the week of influenza and the concussion lost him two weeks of training. This particular tournament is sort of like the Monroe county championships...since it is sponsored by the Sherriff, the medls are very cool Sherriff's stars...
There will be two more years for Bill to wrestle there. :)