Finished out the work week tonight , and since I have my usual Friday and Saturday off, and the holiday is on Saturday, I even got paid double time, which is always nice.

I am feeling funny today and tonight after my big decisions yesterday. I keep crying, but not from sorrow or stress -- its from relief, of all things. I feel as if a mountain has been lifted off of my shoulders. I guess the catharsis continues, and  a year and more of trouble and pain is leaving me now...

Have been busy reading, as I have a touch of that weird bug that Dan and Billy had that made their joints swell up and hurt. It has hit me from just above the elbows down into my fingers. Both of the guys told me the best thing to do was rest, so that's what I've been doing, even though it even hurts to hold a book (or to type for that matter). Work has been very hard this week, as I work so much with my hands. But they both had it for about a week, and this started on Monday for me, so should clear up very early in the new year.

Anyway, I have read two books in one of my favorite mystery series by Tony Hillerman, set out on the Navajo reservation in the Southwest. I am trying to catch up with that series, so have read two of the later books, The Wailing Wind, and The Sinister Pig. I'll probably get started on the latest book, Skeleton Man sometime in the next two days. I have also been working on a fantasy series by Tamora Pierce. The series is called Protector of the Small, and I am currently on the fourth book, Lady Knight. It is all meant for teenage girls, but I will admit to enjoying it. It tells the story of a girl who decides to take up training as a knight in a magical kingdom. She works hard, has strong ideals and a sense of justice, and feels a strong need to serve as a champion for the weak and undefended.

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. Dan offered to go out, but I told him that I wanted to stay home and cook a good dinner, and maybe watch a movie and do nothing other than relax.

The week is going on, the year is nearly gone...there are few years of my adult life that I will be so glad to see go away as 2004. This time last year my son had a concussion, I was very sick, and my father was dying. Last January my father died. Dan was uncaring about it, and that hurt me unspeakably. In April we had to clean out my father's house and I got very sick from a tick bite I got down in Arkansas -- not to mention how awful going through the house was. Then Dan started getting those debilitating headaches and turned out to have uncontrolled blood pressure last summer. I got sick again from an ear infection in September. And then Stevie got so sick from that staph infection and Bill got hurt and was on crutches this fall. After a month of remission, Stevie is now back on heavy duty antibiotics and leg soaks as I type. And tonight I told someone whom I have considered to be a good friend for more than two years that I no longer want to be friends, and want contact cut off. While he is a good and fine man in many ways, and I will always be glad to have known him, he has recently shown himself capable of a casual and thoughtless cruelty that I cannot live with in a friend. It hurt to drop a friend -- but not as much as I expected it to. And most certainly not as much as my father getting sick and dying, or my sons being sick or hurt. It was the right thing to do for myself. As much as I will miss my funny, charming friend, I will be happier in the long run for having done this.

You know, I'm getting used to the shock and grief thing. First reaction -- what the heck?? Then great anger (how can this be happening to my child? My father? My marriage? Me?). Then the numbness comes. I spend a day or two (or in the case of my father's death a month or two) where I don't eat or drink or talk unless someone hands me the food, the drink, or nags at me until I speak. And then the acceptance, finally. With occasional flare-ups of the other things every now and then, for months after.

But as much as it was a horrible year, there was also great beauty and moments of joy in it. While I have had much grief and sadness, there was also much happiness. Meeting my friends in New Mexico and sharing time with them at the Grand Canyon and Canyon de Chelly was wonderful. Any time I spent with my children was time to cherish. Sunrise over the Canyon. Snow on the pines. The sun shining on Pike's Peak. The wildflowers on the prairie. The Christmas lights shining through the snow. The world is filled with beauty, and working in a hospital shows me stunning amounts of kindness and love every day. And surprisingly, as much as I dreaded spending that much time with Dan as we spent together on our trip out West, he was kind and thoughtful for most of it. And while I think that our marriage is beyond repair after last January, and we gave each other permission to see other people if we wish last fall, he has also been asking for a reconciliation -- and he has taken most of the responsibility for the mess things are in, and promises to do better, and be a  better husband if I give him the chance. That he is so sorry for having hurt me so much, and is willing to do anything to break down the big wall of ice between us. And most amazingly for him, he hasn't been nagging, badgering, or yelling. He quietly and humbly asks, which makes me think that he means it. Monday was our nineteenth wedding anniversary, if you can still call it that under the circumstances, and he humbly asked once again to try to work things out...

Tonight I told my friends that I was going to meet in New York that I am not going, and cancelled my hotel reservations. I will eat the cost of the train tickets, but they were very cheap, so it is no great import. In part I did this because the friend I decided to drop is one of the people who will be going, and I do not want things to be awkward for him.That is the reason that the involved people know about. But there was another reason -- a reason none of the other people involved know. And that reason turned out to be the right reason -- and perhaps the best thing I have done in a very long time indeed. I called home and told Dan I wasn't going to New York and he freaked out, because he knows how much it meant to me. He asked why, and I asked him if he truly wanted to try to work things out, and he said yes. I told him he would have his wife at home with him for a week, and that perhaps we can work on our relationship. It was one of only a couple of real conversations we have had since my father's death, and I sat at work crying, and it sounded like he was crying on his cell phone. I do not know what will happen, or if anything can be fixed, but I know that I did the right thing, for myself, for him, and most of all, for our beloved children, who deserve better than the iciness and unhappiness and  endless emotional strain of this house in the past year. It is time for this weird and painful limbo to end, one way or the other.

In fact, Dan said tonight he was happy that I was upset and crying because I have been holding in far too much anger, grief, and sorrow for much too long, and that he felt I needed a great catharsis. He said that now everything has begun to come out, his greatest fear is that I will bottle everything up again...

So anyway, the last few days has brought on a lot of soul searching and a lot of thinking. As usual, I am confused and I have no idea of what I am doing. But I can live with the decisions that I made today.I think somewhere down the road I will be very happy, in fact, for having made them. And I had a long talk with Bill the other day about life in general and came up with a few guidelines for life that I try to live by:

* You usually can't go wrong with gentleness, compassion, and mercy.

* If someone hurts you badly, you probably shouldn't try to work things out with them until you can deal with them rationally and compassionately. Sometimes that can take a while, but if you are upset you should wait if you can. Otherwise you might be the one to cause unnecesary pain, and perhaps lose a friend, or someone dear to you, as a result.

* People are going to hurt you. This is a part of life. Deal with it and forgive them as best as you can. Most of the time when they hurt you, it won't be intentional, it will be the result of something they didn't fully think through, or they are just having a bad day -- or any one of a great number of other such factors. But when you do find someone who does intentionally hurt you or others -- or who is incapable of seeing that his/her actions are wrong, and causes needless pain to other people -- or someone who knowingly uses other people-- its OK to drop that person from your life -- even if its a family member. You must forgive that person as best you can for your own sake, so that you do not become lost in bitterness, but you do not have to subject yourself to likely further pain and/or abuse, either.

* If someone hurts you, whether intentionally or not, you do not have the right to hurt them in return.

* A lot of time people are confused about things, whether in their thoughts or their feelings. Sometimes this confusion can lead to inconsistent behavior, or to that person acting or speaking in ways that they usually do not, and may never use again. And sometimes and some days that confused person might be you. Tolerance and compassion and patience can help with situations like that.

* The best revenge is to go on, learn from your pain and the situation that caused it, move on in your life, and be happy.

 

Quiet Christmas morning at home. I have the best kids in the world -- they know I work second shift and they always let me sleep in on Christmas morning -- and then we eat breakfast before gifts -- and they never complain about the wait.

This year we just weren't that into gifts. We didn't even get them all opened this morning -- there are still a few left under the tree. Bill opened a gift that turned out to be book which he really got into right away, and Steven wanted to watch the new extended edition Return of the King dvd, and we just sort of relaxed all day.

I worked tonight, and other than one very sick patient who kept us hopping all night, it was very quiet. Got to drive home in some light snow, which was lovely.

Maybe tomorrow we will finish opening up the presents.

Christmas Eve. This time last year, my father was fighting for his life, my son had a concussion, and I was quite busy coughing up blood. There is nothing like that going on this year, thank God, though Dan is sick, and Bill is all stiff and sore yet.

Spent a quiet day mostly at home. Fed stale bread to the squirrels, baked goodies for the kids all day, gave the cats a special dinner treat...I have just a couple more small gifts to pack, then we can all go to bed early tonight.

Had a quiet dinner...turkey breast, stuffing, mashed potatos and gravy, salad, scones, crescent rolls, macaroni &cheese, sparkling grape juice...since I am working tomorrow, I wanted to have a nice dinner tonight instead...

Last night we got many inches of snow. It was so lovely this morning!  The snow was trackless, heavy on the evergreens, and the sky was clear and blue. Tonight the Christmas lights are shining through the heavy snow, and are breathtakingly beautiful.

The roads were clear enough that I treated the kids to a soak at the hot tub gardens tonight. The moon was bright, and had a glowing ring about it. The air was well below freezing, and the water very hot. They both seemed to have their muscles relax a bit after their soak.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. 

Well, we're getting our first big snow of the season tonight and tomorow morning. We could get up to a foot, with high winds. We're lucky, though -- we are only under a winter storm warning -- up near Saginaw Bay they are under the much more dire blizzard warning! Since I am working Saturday (Christmas) and Sunday, I will be off for the next two days, and do not have to leave my house, which is nice when the roads are bad!

The last two nights have been busy at work, but have been good ones nonetheless. Last night Miss Michigan and two fiddlers groups came through to meet the patients, which always makes the patients very happy. Tonight we staff members shared food and exchanged gifts, and it was very nice.

The poor kids are so stiff and sore from the two-a-day wrestling practices! I reserved a hot tub at the Oasis Hot Tub Gardens tomorrow night so that they can soak for an hour and feel better, but I don't know if we can get there, depending on the snow and the wind and the roads...

Dan has an infected jaw and is on antibiotics (clindamycin) for it.  I wasn't sure if our cheap HMO would pay for the prescription, since it came from a dentist rather than an insurance plan MD, but he said it went through. Now I just have to try to get the dental insurance, which is through the union at my work, straightened out. On top of the infected jaw, the poor man seems to have developed a nasty case of the flu -- he's been running a fever, sweating heavily, and every muscle and joint in his body is aching.

The kids have decided to do twice a day wrestling practices for the rest of holiday break. They go to the high school practice in the morning and to the middle school practice in the evening. That's a lot of hard work, and I hope it pays off for them!

I picked up my train tickets to NYC yesterday. The trip is starting to seem real to me now!! This is the first time I will have been away from Dan and the kids other than a weekend when my father had cancer surgery. I think I will have a lot of fun with my friends!!  We are talking about going to a concert by the New York Philharmonic, which would be just plain wonderful!!!

The kids are done with school for two weeks, and I am so happy to have them home!! They seem happy to be home, too.

Dan isn't feeling well these days -- no, not his blood pressure this time, as that is nearly down to the level where the doctors want it to be. This time it is an absessed tooth. He will see the dentist first thing in the morning.

So, as a result, we had a rather quiet weekend. Wrestling practice was even cancelled on Saturday because two of the coaches have that terrible cold that is going around (the one that made me miss a couple of days of work, too).

We got the Christmas tree up and decorated, and watched a couple of movies (I, Robot was a hit for us), and I baked a big pan of homemade gingerbread and served it up warm from the oven with whipped cream.

Today, of course, being Sunday, I worked. Dan and the boys went up to a very big and prestigious wrestling tournament in Montrose. Bill did not wrestle, but Stevie did, and reached his goal in qualifying for the Tournament of Champions in Ohio next spring. http://www.ohiotofc.com .Later this week I will have to send in his papers and make hotel reservations. And since we are about to put in for all of our vacation time for the next year at work, I will have to make sure that I get a long weekend for that tournament.

I love Christmastime, and am so glad that that morning is nearly here.

Today I managed to finish up most of my Christmas shopping -- just a few gift certificates to the book store to go, and all will be ready.  Still have to get the tree  and stockings up, but hopefully can do that this weekend.

Bill came home sick from school yesterday, so spent most of the day before work with him...got the bills paid, and went to the 24 hour grocery store after work, so that is taken care of, too. So tomorrow, other than laundry and work, I can hopefully relax and watch a movie or read a book!

Squirrels had knocked down and trashed/broken both bird feeders, and Dan got them put back together. I got them hanging again. much to the joy of the cats!

Yesterday Steven did well at the tournament in Haslett. he qualified to go to nationals for the Border Wars organization.

I took Bill to the Mall. He wanted to go shopping for a birthday present for a young lady of his aquaintance. We went to a shop that has all sorts of personal hygeine products, and he bought a cute little make-up bag filled with foot care products (the young lady runs cross country, so we thought she might like something with which to pamper her feet).

Bill was home sick today -- a 24 hour stomach bug has been moving its way through the high school wrestling team, and today was his turn to have it. I spent the day alternating spending time at his side, and cleaning house/paying bills/doing laundry. Then went to work, missing Steven's holiday band concert.

Maybe tomorrow I can finally get to the grocery store.

The last couple of days have been nuts.  Yesterday I ran around in the cold rain all day long doing/attempting to do errands. After picking up Billy at wrestling practice, we headed to Ypsilanti for my work holiday dinner at a restaurant called Memphis Smokehouse Blues. It was a nice restaurant, and the food was very good, so my supervisor picked a good place for the dinner.  After eating, I had to run around some more in order to complete the errands I did not complete earlier in the day. Never did get to the grocery store.

Today Bill had to be at the high school at 5:30AM in order to go to today's tournament, which was way up in the Saginaw area. The rest of us left the house sometime between 8 and 9AM (Billy drove himself and his dad to school, Dan drove my Jeep home). We watched the rest of the tournament. Bill did very well, went 4-1 on the day, losing only one match and that by one point (he is now 7-3 for the season). And our team won!!!!

After the tournament was over, we went to nearby Frankenmuth to visit the cheese store to buy the delicious chocolate cheese. We also went to a candy store and bought fudge and taffies and caramel corn.This was torture to Steven, who had not eaten since breakfast, and who did not want to eat because he had to weigh in for tomorrow's tournament.

And that was our next stop -- Haslett, in the Lansing area, so Steven could weigh-in tonight for tomorrow's Border Wars tournament. After that, we ate dinner at the Chili's in Okemos, then drove home.

And, of course, I've been doing housework nonstop since we got home. I had never gotten caught up from when Steven was sick, and got nothing done this week because I had a really bad cold. But tonight I excavated the iron so I can iron some shirts tomorrow, worked on washing/drying/sorting laundry for a long time, and you can see the bottom of the sink now!! (No longer filled with dirty dishes and pots).

It will be almost restfull to get back to work tomorrow night!

I am glad the workweek is over. The last couple of nights have been sort of rough. Last night the computers unexpectedly crashed for hours, crippling our ability to properly do our jobs, as all of  the patient records are computerized. Tonight we ran out of ribbon for our automed machine, which is something we have to have to properly do our job. So two people had to drive to a hospital in Detroit (the closest hospital we could find that has the same model we do) to go borrow a ribbon.

At least I can nearly talk today -- after nearly a week of this cold. But I truly can't complain. Last December in the course of one week I got so sick I was coughing up blood, my older son got a concussion, and my father got sick and was hospitalized far away, and I couldn't go to see him. That was a horrible week.This one is merely irritating.

I've been fighting with a bad cold the last few days, but am finally feeling a bit better. Since I have asthma, what is a simple cold in others can sometimes make me quite sick.

Let's see. Saturday I felt pretty bad, with a fever and a headache, but still managed to get down to Blissfield to watch part of Bill's tournament. He took a second, behind a kid who was a regional qualifier last year, so he did quite well. Steven had what everyone was calling a national caliber tournament. Teams came from as far away as Iowa and Wisconsin to compete. Steven went 1-2 for the day, and the kid he beat had won third place in a national tournament last spring. Steven lost his other two matches by points in close bouts. All three of the kids he faced were from other (and different) states. Dan was told that if he qualifies for any national tournaments again this year, to please take him (he qualified for two national chamionships last year, but we did not take him to either).

We had tickets to go see the Broadway play Evita in Detroit Saturday night, but we didn't go because I was feeling so sick. I dragged home from Blissfield and went to bed until Tuesday afternoon.

This Friday night is our work dinner, at a nice barbecue restaurant in Ypsilanti.  On Saturday Bill has a tournament up near Frankenmuth, and Steven has one near Lansing on Sunday (which I won't be able to go to, as I will be working). We'll have to leave the Frankenmuth area and drive to Lansing for the Saturday night weigh-in. Then come home, and Dan and Steve will leave early Sunday morning for the tournament.  Hopefully we can get our Christmas tree up sometime this weekend, too. Tomorrow I need to get the bills paid and do a bit of grocery shopping before work.

It was a very nice five day weekend with my family. We actually got to eat a lot of meals together, and I was able to both bake and cook, neither of which I bother doing when I am by myself. Thanksgiving itself was a glorious warm and sunny day. On the Sunday we went to Frankenmuth, which was very charming.

In the week since, wrestling season started. That means I will see even less (much less, actually) of my family than I usually do. Both kids have tournaments tomorrow in different towns. I will try to get down to see Bill in Blissfield. Steven will be at Border Wars in Dundee.

I have been reading, and finally finished The Dark Tower series by Stephen King. It has some problems (the first book, The Gunslinger was a very difficult read, with a cold and violent protagonist --- books 5,6, & 7 introduced all sorts of cross over characters and situations from other King novels, most of which I had not read). But it was also a great piece of story telling and I am very glad that I read it.