Well, I have now tried to apologize and work things out as best as can be with the people I fear that I have hurt the most. If a determined and suicidal large deer leaps in front of my Jeep while I am on the freeway, or if I have an unexpected fatal heart attack tomorrow (as happened to a friend's uncle last week), I can go with as clear a concious as possible. 

I am home from work today. I usually work Sunday through Thursday, but this week it'll be off Thursday and on Friday. Someone needed to have Friday off, so I switched with her, just for this week. It's strange being home today. I feel like I am playing hooky from school. Of course, it'll be equally weird to go in to work tomorrow.

The kids will be home very soon, and that will be great!!!

Now that the holidays are over, I bit the bullet and explained things to my sisters. Not easy, but I was as honest as I can be about why I have been staying away, spraing myself nothing. Here is what I said:

I hope everyone had a good Easter!!

I would like to apologize to all of you for not being ready to spend time with any of you yet.

It is nothing against any of you as people or as family members -- in fact, I think all of you are quite wonderful in your own way.

It is just that I am still, after all of these years, trying to deal with the legacy of our parents, and not having the easiest time of it. That is complicated by some rather horrible things I found in Mom's papers right after she died. I hid them, I did not want to have Brenda or Carol see them, as the content was so painful. I'm sure that probably wasn't the right thing to do, but I didn't want anyone else to feel the pain that I did when I saw them, but I have still felt weird and guilty about it ever since, and that is a big part of why I have been staying away.

Add to that my basic natural reticence and emotional withdrawal when I am troubled and in grief, and that doesn't help, either.

One good thing in those papers, though was how much Dad loved every one of us, with all of his heart and soul. He was a good man, and I wish with all of my heart that I could have spent some time with him while he was in the hospital, though my own health and Bill's concussion (which happened the same week Dad went into the hospital) prevented that.

The last few months have been rough. Steven has had some health problems including a recurrent staph infection (which finally cleared up around Christmas), a concussion, and he is currently having infetigo (I don't think I spelled that right, but its a skin infection). Despite that, he has done so well with his wrestling that he qualified for two different national championships (one of the two he qualified for three different times). But this last infection was enough. We won't be taking him to the nationals next month, just too much, and why put that sort of additional pressure on a little kid who has already gone through more stress than most adults have to deal with in the last six months?... Bill has had a healthy year, thank God, though it took months for the effectsof the concussion of two Decembers ago to wear off. Both kids are doing fine with school, and Bill will be a senior next year.

Dan and I have been having some problems the last 2-3 years, primarily due to the simple lack of time together, as we work opposite shifts, have different days off, and having nearly every weekend sucked up by wrestling tournaments or soccer games for one or both of the kids. That especially started getting nuts when Bill got to high school.  But we've been making a great effort since the new year, as we have both missed each other and were miserable, and things are getting a lot better now. We've been going out to dinner and jazz and classical music concerts in Ann Arbor, and just spending time together is wonderful beyond words.

Peace and love to all of you. 

Had a quiet weekend at home with Dan and the boys. What could possibly be better??? Yesterday we cooked a huge dinner, as I was off on Saturday but had to work today (Easter). Making and eating dinner together two days in a row is some sort of record for us!

We even got to watch two movies last night, The Incredibles and Hero I greatly enjoyed them both. The first was just flat out fun. The second was like watching a myth unfold before your eyes. The use of color in that movie was unbelievable, and very beautiful. Though it was a martial arts film, the gore was kept somewhat subdued, which was good. And I loved the comparisons with the martial arts to the fine arts, such as music and calligraphy.

This morning we visited a nearby church. I enjoyed the service, the pastor there is great. Keeps things down to earth, and brief (ie. doesn't use twenty words where three will do). He also has a good sense of humor. Nothing wrong with getting a bit of a laugh at church.

Just got done eating a delicious dinner with my family, which is always wonderful. Salad, spaghetti, and garlic bread. Simple, but delicious, and eaten with people whom I love. What dinner could be better than that?

The nasty mat burn on Steven's forehead got infected, so now he has no choice about not wrestling for awhile. He gets to take two showers a day, and put on the medicine four times a day. The showering part, in particular, is torture to a twelve year old boy. They do like their layer of grunge.  

Since it is Good Friday the kids were home from school today. They spent the day happily playing with some of their stuffed animals. Bill stayed home with Steven so I could go grocery shopping, which actually took quite some time. The store was very crowded, probably everyone else was buying a special Easter dinner, too.

Its been above freezing the last few days, but there are still patches of snow in the yard. Guess it just shows what a wet and harsh winter this was...

Have been reading a guidebook about visiting New York with families. I have been trying to figure out what would interest and entertain children ranging in age from two to sixteen. There are actually some things that would. Should be a great trip.

 

It is nearly the end of March, and this will be Easter weekend.  So, of course, today it snowed!!  

Yesterday I walked around the yard, and the squirrels did leave me at least a few bulbs, and they were starting to pop up from the ground (in some cases through the old snow, which hadn't melted yet.) There should be a very nice and large patch of crocuses right by the back door. I am looking forward to seeing them bloom!

Took the time last night to make hotel reservations for what would have been the Tournament of Champions weekend (I am approved to have a three day weekend in late April for that). Rather than going to Columbus, we will be going to a very kid friendly hotel, the French Quarter, in the Toledo suburbs. It has a huge indoor/outdoor pool and a hot tub, indoor mini-golf, and what has got to be the biggest brunch in the state of Ohio. Dan and I had our honeymoon there, so many years ago. Now we will take the kids to let them spend the weekend in the pool, and perhaps take them to the Zoo, or COSI.  There will also be a pig roast tha tweekend, a fund raiser for the wrestling program, so they can spend time with friends and have fun there, as well.

Dan and I also made reservations to go camping in August, for the week I have off before we head out to the east coast. We were lucky enough to get a spot in Harrisville State Park, a campground on a nice sandy beach on Lake Huron. The kids should have a blast and a half, practically living on the beach for four days.

Steven did wrestle today, but to make the day more pleasant for him, Dan picked up his best friend from Ypsilanti, and took him along for the day. When Stevie wasn't actually on the mat, he got to play and spend time with Sam. Dan took them out to Pizza Hut afterwards. He finished second, added another trophy to his collection, and qualified for the Tournament of Champions for a third time this year. Now he can take a bit of a break and let that nasty mat burn heal.

It rained pretty hard yesterday -- further north they got a whole bunch of snow. But because of the rain, a lot of the snow melted. You can see about half of our yard now, and what is uncovered is water logged and extremely muddy. Perhaps mud season is nearly here, to be followed by spring!

Spent the day in Dundee today. Our middle school team had been invited to their league's tournament (our state sponsored season has been over for nearly two weeks, but today was their finish -- this was one last, unexpected state sanctioned event for us). I was very proud of Steven. He got caught in something called a spladel in his first match, and was pinned (once you get caught in one of those things, that's pretty much it). He came back and won his next match -- then had to face the spladel kid again in the match for third place -- and he beat the kid by more than ten points! How is that for working your way back? In addition, he had a rough day. He got a nose bleed, and the big mat burn on his forehead from last week opened up and started bleeding, so he had bandages and tape on his head like a mummy for his last match.

Dan had entered him in a huge tournament in Ohio for tomorrow, so he will probably wrestle then, but I put my foot down and said no more wrestling (other than tomorrow, since its already paid for) until this thing on his forehead has a chance to heal. He can go to practices, learn things, do drills as long as his forehead does not touch the mat -- but no more live wrestling until he can heal up.

Its been a long season for him -- the staph infections, the concussion, having to wrestle up in weight most of the year -- now this oozing burn on his forehead the size of the palm of my hand. He's getting burned out on the sport. And he's much to good to ruin by burn out. So instead of taking him down to the national tournament in Columbus (Tournament of Champions) we will spend that weekend doing fun things as a family instead.

He had a great year. He placed in some major tournaments, qualified for two different national championships (twice for the Tournament of Champions) -- placed second in our league, third in Dundee's league -- all as a seventh grader. He's only twelve years old...

But it is time, in my opinion to let him play and be a kid. Rest. Relax. Go to the zoo. Ride his bike around the neighborhood.

 

Today went and got the Jeep worked on (oil change, and tire rotation). Went out to a great lunch with Dan.  It turned out that he had a light afternoon scheduled, so we also went and talked to our banker about investments, then went to the two grocery stores in Ann Arbor that specialize in organic goodies.

Our first stop was Trader Joe's, a place that my friends have been trying to get me to visit for ages. We got organic cherry cider, cashews, and other goodies. I am very pleased to report that I have finally found a local place to obtain pine nuts, something I became a bit addicted to out in New Mexico. It looked like they had a nice selection of fish. And I bought some herbal teas. The prices were very reasonable, and I was very pleased.

Our next stop was Whole Foods, a much bigger grocery store. We bought some bakery goods, and checked out the huge selection of cheeses from all over the world. I nearly bought some sheep's milk cheese from France, but it was a soft cheese, rather like brie, and I didn't think anyone would eat it but me, so I refrained.

Before we went in to the store, a panhandler came up to the truck as soon as we parked and held a little note up to Dan's window, asking for a bit of money to buy food. When Dan saw him, he nearly vomited. The guy had had bone cancer, and no longer had a nose. He had a big hole in his face where his nose should be, you could see down into his throat through the hole, and the rest of his face was also deformed. Poor Dan just isn't used to seeing people in that sort of shape and was shocked by it. So I took care of things, and even coaxed the man into smiling. Despite his obvious problems, he seemed to be a sweet man, and he still had a beautiful smile. I had to hold Dan in the produce section for awhile, until he felt better...

But that smile, in that shattered face, haunts me. People are so beautiful...

And writing out the monthly check to the big soup kitchen in Detroit will have a bit more meaning next month...

Reminder to self:

Do not listen to exciting music for the first time while driving home from work in a heavy snowfall.  Was listening to Mahler's Second Symphony while driving home from work tonight. So it was late, very dark, and snowing heavily. I managed to stay on the road, but did nearly run over a skunk!

 Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

About a week after I threw off that last cold, I have somehow picked up another one, which, of course, is getting my asthma going again. Yuck! I hope spring comes soon, so people aren't so cooped up indoors sneezing on each other and spreading germs!

Tomorrow I will go get the oil changed in the Jeep, and meet Dan for lunch at our favorite Chinese restauarant.  I am hoping that the hot tea and hot food will help clear my sinusus.

I have been reading a book about the great voyage of Magellan and his men. What a fantastic adventure they embarked on, especially considering the wild superstitions widely believed in their time! They did not know if they would eventually reach the Spice Islands, or if they would sail off the edge of the world! And always on that voyage, besides the danger of the oceans, the greatest foe they faced always seemed to be themselves. Mutiny after mutiny -- all sorts of tension coming from having a Portugese leader, Spanish subordinates, and a multi-national crew. It was an accomplishment beyond our modern measure...

Well, the second person responded much better than the first one did, though I would be truly shocked if she was ever cruel to anyone in any way. And if she ever were to be cruel, it would be for a darned good reason, and she certainly wouldn't be self righteous about it afterwards. Two down, the hardest one to go, and I think I will spend at least a couple of days thinking about that one quite a bit. Very delicate situation, there with sisters and Mom's papers.

We're halfway through March now, and our yard is still covered with snow. The poor animals are so hungry -- we even have deer tracks coming up to our feeder, the poor things must be starving to go after sunflower seeds. I've been pouring out seeds on the ground, as well as filling the feeders. In many years the snow will have melted and it will be mud season for St. Patrick's Day, but not this year.

I am hoping to go out to either lunch or dinner with Dan on Friday, we haven't had much time alone lately. If we go for dinner, there is a nice restaurant over in Willis called the Pickle Barrel that I would like to try out. If for lunch, we would probably go out for Chinese food, as I need to get the oil changed in the Jeep, and the dealer is very near our favorite Chinese restaurant.

Saturday will be spent in Dundee for (what else?) a wrestling tournament. I did housework like crazy today, trying to catch up a bit before the weekend...

Well, one down and two (perhaps more after I give things more thought) to go. The first person's response, though probably perfectly civil in his eyes, just told me that I actually and definately made the absolutely right decision in December in not wanting to know him anymore. People who are cruel and don't even realize it, people who admit to using their "friends" for casual entertainment and not seeing anything wrong with that are just not good people to try to have friendships with. I will always be glad that I knew him, though. He brought a great deal of much needed laughter into my life. I will always cherish that, and the memories of smiles and laughter.  So in this case, the withdrawing was actually the right thing to do, amazingly enough.

As with all things in life, I tend to take friendship very seriously. I have always found it difficult to trust people, and when I find people that I can trust (or feel that I can trust), I give my heart and caring as well. It is just mind boggling to me to use someone you consider to be a friend for casual entertainment.. Friends are the people you commit yourself to, and who commit themselves to you  -- out of caring, not out of blood ties. Friends, the people who freely love you, are one of the greatest treasures you can ever have in this world. They deserve the best you can give them (though admittedly, at different places in your life you might be more capable of giving than others), and that does not include being used.

Man, I hate it when people live down to your worst expectations rather than up to your highest ones.

Well, my adventures in pushing myself out of the comfort zone of hiding away from the world and all of its pain will continue tomorrow...

 

 

"I Will Remember You"

 

(by sarah mclachlan, seamus egan, and dave merenda)

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories

Louis Armstrong "What a Wonderful World"

I see trees of green........ red roses too
I see ’em bloom..... for me and for you
And I think to myself.... what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue..... clouds of white
Bright blessed days....dark sacred nights
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world.

The colors of a rainbow.....so pretty ..in the sky
Are also on the faces.....of people ..going by
I see friends shaking hands.....sayin’.. how do you do
They’re really sayin’......i love you.

I hear babies cry...... I watch them grow
They’ll learn much more.....than I’ll never know
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world

(instrumental break)

The colors of a rainbow.....so pretty ..in the sky
Are there on the faces.....of people ..going by
I see friends shaking hands.....sayin’.. how do you do
They’re really sayin’...*spoken*(I ....love....you).

I hear babies cry...... I watch them grow
*spoken*(you know their gonna learn
A whole lot more than I’ll never know)
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself .......what a wonderful world.

I have decided to try to make things better with people whom I have hurt/might have hurt by my emotional withdrawal in times of stress/pain/hurt. I hate the thought of hurting people, even if it is unintentional. Its time that I get over this emotional running away, get over this crappy legacy of being abused as a child.

To that end, I attempted to offer an olive branch to the friend I adore, and had the big falling out in December. I hope he can read between the lines of fear and insecurity and realize that I was really trying to say that I miss him and want things to be better, if possible.

Tomorrow I will tackle someone in my husband's family, whom I used to talk to every day, and stopped talking to when my marriage got so bad back when Billy was a freshman. I will simply tell her the truth -- I love you, miss you, and sorry I disappeared on you. When things got so bad with Dan, I was afraid to talk to people in his family. I didn't want to complain about him, or make him lose face in any way. I hope that she can understand that.

The worst will be my sisters, and I do not know what to say to them. My mother was mentally ill, and she emotionally, physically, and sexually abused me. There has been a point or two as my children grow, and are at an age when she did something to me, and I just remember it and fall apart. I just cry and shake. My sisters are all older than I am, the oldest was in college when I was in kindergarten. I do not know if they knew what was going on when I was a kid or not. But when mother died, I found these horrible papers with her things. I knew she was crazy -- she not only abused me, but was horrible emotionally abusive to Dad. She killed small pets. Once she tried to run down a little stranger kid with her car. But those papers were so bad -- I honestly believe she wasn't just crazy, she was literally evil. I think it is a miracle that she didn't commit murder -- that's how bad those papers are. Yet, my oldest sister in particular loves Mom. So I feel weird even talking to her. She will say things like Mom and Dad are together now and happy, and my soul just shudders when I think of what their reality was like. I hope that in death Mom has been healed -- and that perhaps she is happy. God knows, she never spent a happy day on this earth, and did her best to make everyone in her life as miserably unhappy as she was. But what do you tell someone who loves somebody, and that person was...evil? My reality, and my sister's realities are on completely different plains, in different universes on this. I don't want to hurt her by telling her what Mom was actually like. So I have stayed away, and that makes my sister so angry and frustrated, which makes me withdraw even more, and it became this really ugly cycle -- and it got much worse after Dad died last year, and I did my usual deep grief retreat.

Anyway, I am going to try, even though it scares me to death to do this. I honestly don't know what to do about my sisters, though. That one could bring more harm than good when I explain the circumstances.

Quiet day at home with Steven. Quiet night at work, which sort of makes up for how busy last week was. Made my hotel reservations for New York in August, will make some for camping this summer as soon as my song from itunes gets done downloading (dial up connection takes forever ). Hopefully I can find something on one of the Great Lakes...there are some state park campgrounds on glorious sandy beaches on Lake Michigan and Lake Huron.  Our favorites include Muskegon State Park and Port Crescent State Park.

At the expense of the housework and laundry, I finally started getting really into Jared Diamond's Collapse. Its pretty amazing how various historical cultures destroyed their environments (some to the point where everyone in the culture died to the last man, woman, and child) or where things get so bad and crazy people are eating each other just to stay alive -- and no one did anything while there was time to make a difference. What in the world is going through the mind of the person who cuts down the last tree on an isolated island when your people depend on trees? What went through the mind of the person who cut down the last strand of pinyon pines at Chaco Canyon? What was once a forest is still a rock desert today, hundreds of years later.  Why did the Norse in Greenland all starve to death next to fjords filled with fish, that they didn't eat due to some sort of local taboo? What on earth were all of these people thinking?

Rem - Losing My Religion Lyrics
Life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour i'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

SEND HER MY LOVE - Journey
It's been so long
Since I've seen her face
You say she's doing fine
I still recall
A sad cafe
How it hurt so bad
To see her cry
I didn't want to say good-bye

(Chorus)
Send her my love
Memories remain
Send her my love
Roses never fade
Send her my love

The same hotel
The same old room
I'm on the road again
She needed so much more
Than I could give
We knew our love
Could not pretend
Broken hearts can always mend

(Chorus)

Send her my love
Memories remain
Send her my love
Roses never fade
Send her my love

Callin' out your name
I'm dreamin'
Reflections of a face
I'm seein'
It's her voice
That keeps on haunting me

Send her, send her my love
Roses never fade
Memories remain
Send her, send her my love

Ella Fitzgerald - They Can't Take That Away From Me Song Lyrics

There are many many crazy things
That will keep me loving you
And with your permission
May I list a few

The way you wear your hat
The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
No they can't take that away from me

The way your smile just beams
The way you sing off key
The way you haunt my dreams
No they can't take that away from me

We may never never meet again, on that bumpy road to love
Still I'll always, always keep the memory of

The way you hold your knife
The way we danced till three
The way you changed my life
No they can't take that away from me

Yesterday we spent the day at a huge wrestling tournament near Toledo, Ohio. Steven took third place and brought home a huge trophy. He qualified for the Tournament of Champions again. He's starting to get a bit burned out on wrestling right now, though, so we are holding off on entering him for a few more days.

Bill had way too much homework to do, so never made it up to the Palace. Last night the cell phones started ringing off the hook, though, with the news that our one kid who had made it to high school states had come in eighth, the last place to which they award a medal. Couldn't happen to a harder worker, and everyone is delighted he got his states medal in his senior year.

Bill will be starting track tomorrow, in an effort to get a bit more fit for wrestling. Poor kid hates running beyond words, so I don't know whether to be happy or sad for him!

Dan and Bill are off at the MYWAY state meet today in Lansing t ocoach little kids, so Steven and I have the house to ourselves. Its peaceful, and looking out the window it is going to be very sunny day, though still below freezing.

Today was spent running errands...post office, grocery store, etc. I am about to sit down with the bills and the checkbook. I was surprised when Dan came home with Steven and another kid from the middle school team, who will be spending the weekend with us. Dan asked me to go to Ohio with them for the weigh-in, so Billy and I headed down there with them. After the weigh-in we went out to dinner at Chilis and then came home.

Lee Ann Womack - I Hope You Dance Song Lyrics

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

 

Slippery wet spring snow...that's what we have had the last two nights...and supposedly will get the next couple of days as well...I am patiently waiting to see what has become of the bulbs I planted last fall (I am hoping that the squirrels left a few for me. ) Some of my friends gave me a generous amount of money last year after my father passed away, so that I could plant a garden in his memory. I am looking greatly forward to seeing those flowers this spring and summer.

Busy week at work. We had a lot of very sick inpatients this week. I was in the IV room and it rocked -- not only a lot of drips and abx for the sick inpatients, but a lot of things like banana bags which had to be prepared for emergency room as well -- and abx for outpatients. And we had a very large TPN load. Sometimes I was running back and forth between the automix machine trying to keep it connected to enough fluids to make up the base fluids for the TPNs and going to the regular laminair flow hood to keep up with all of the now and STAT doses for the inpatients. But I managed, as did my coworkers. We worked hard and well, and can be proud of ourselves for meeting the challenge. And tonight we had cheese and crackers and chocolate, which also helps lower stress levels quite a bit.

This should be yet another busy weekend. Bill will spend the weekend with the high school wrestling team at the palace in Auburn Hills, cheering for their team mate who made it to the high school individual championships. Steven will be wrestling in a big open tournament for the club down in Ohio. Dan will probably take him down there tomorrow night to weigh in, and I will probably head down there with them on Saturday, since it means quite a bit to the little one if I am able to come watch him wrestle.

Cure - Love Song Lyrics
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

Marvin Gaye

Ain't Nothing Like The Real Thing

Ain't nothing like the real thing, baby
Ain't nothing like the real thing
Ain't nothing like the real thing, baby
Ain't nothing like the real thing

I got your picture hangin' on the wall
It can't see or come to me when I call your name
I realize it's just a picture in a frame

I read your letters when you're not near
But they don't move me
And they don't groove me like when I hear
Your sweet voice whispering in my ear

Ain't nothing like the real thing, baby
Ain't nothing like the real thing

I play the game, a fantasy
I pretend I'm not in reality
I need the shelter of your arms to comfort me

No other sound is quite the same as your name
No touch can do half as much to make me feel better
So let's stay together

I got some memories to look back on
And though they help me when you phone
I'm well aware nothing can take the place of being there

So let me get the real thing
So let me get the real thing
Ain't nothing like the real thing, baby
Ain't nothing like the real thing
Ain't nothing like the real thing, baby
Ain't nothing like the real thing

Cindi Lauper

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
and think of you
caught up in circles confusion--
is nothing new
Flashback--warm nights--
almost left behind
suitcases of memories,
time after--

sometimes you picture me--
I'm walking too far ahead
you're calling to me, I can't hear
what you've said--
Then you say--go slow--
I fall behind--
the second hand unwinds

chorus:
if you're lost you can look--and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
time after time

after my picture fades and darkness has
turned to gray
watching through windows--you're wondering
if I'm OK
secrets stolen from deep inside
the drum beats out of time--

chorus:
if you're lost you can look--and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
time after time


you said go slow--
I fall behind
the second hand unwinds--

chorus:
if you're lost you can look--and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
time after time

...time after time
time after time
time after time
time after time

Beatles

Try to see it my way,
Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on?
While you see it your way,
Run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone.
We can work it out,
We can work it out.

Think of what you're saying.
You can get it wrong and still you think that it's alright.
Think of what I'm saying,
We can work it out and get it straight, or say good night.
We can work it out,
We can work it out.
Life is very short, and there's no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend.
I have always thought that it's a crime,
So I will ask you once again.

Try to see it my way,
Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong.
While you see it your way
There's a chance that we might fall apart before too long.
We can work it out,
We can work it out.
Life is very short, and there's no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend.
I have always thought that it's a crime,
So I will ask you once again.

Try to see it my way,
Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong.
While you see it your way
There's a chance that we may fall apart before too long.
We can work it out,
We can work it out.