Valentine's Day

I think Dan and I will be having a good day today. I got up super early this morning and just got out of the shower. He is taking the morning off, and we will get to spend it alone together , and we might go out to lunch before I have to go into work tonight. I think it will be a wonderful morning.  I realize that as a night worker I will probably pay for this in a day or two with exhaustion from having gotten up so early this morning; but I also know that it will be worth it.

A good friend and wonderful human being, my buddy Eric, will be getting married! He asked his lady if she would marry him over the weekend. I am so happy for him I cannot even begin to express it. I do not know of anyone who deserves happiness more than Fisty!

There are, of course, sad things as well.

Life is always a mixture of good and bad, or sorrow and joy...

I am haunted by the sadness of a different friend and his wife losing the children they had hoped to adopt. They have been fostering them for over a year, but the court is taking them away and returning them to the abusive biological parents. I want to much to help; to say or do something that can make the situation more bareable for them. But I am clueless over what I could possibly say or do.

About 14 months ago, a friendship blew up on me. I have been trying ever since to work things out with that person, so that we can be friends again, even though that was against the very strong advice of a mutual friend who knew what had happened and said that I shouldn't bother as it would be a waste of time and effort and that the person simply didn't deserve any chances after the way things blew up. Well, perhaps foolishly, I did bother. Perhaps it was a mistake, but I would much rather err on the side of forgiveness and love and tolerance. Well, it now looks as if the person giving me that advice was absolutely right, and I was a fool. But I cannot fully regret it. I was wrong, but in the right way.  Now that the person let drop something yesterday, I now understand why he has been treating me so poorly over the past year. And that reason is not a cause for anger, but for profound pity. And friendships do not usually flourish in an atmosphere whereone person is an object of profound pity to another. So I am going to let go...it is best for everyone. And now the person who gave me the advice, if he wishes, can say "I told you so!"  I will have to let him know that.

To paraphrase his advice (with the swear words taken out) and to remind myself, if I should happen to get weak again on this matter:

What kind of person treats another person like total crap and when called on it says "I didn't do nuthin'. Why do you have a problem anyway?" What kind of a person treats another person like total crap and never apologizes or expresses any regret or remorse? What kind of a person treats another person like total crap and then never even once asks the other person how she is doing or how her life is going, when she gives him a chance to work things out? Why would you even want to give someone like that another chance? Why would you even want someone like that as a friend?

Those questions he has been asking me are harsh, but to the point. And I should keep them in mind.

I guess what really gets me is that for a year I have been making friendship gesture after friendship gesture to this man who is now a former friend. All of that time, I thought the reason he was treating me poorly was because of something I had said or done, unknowingly, to offend him. I had even asked for forgiveness. And for that year, he was friendly enough on occasion that I had hoped he would get over it, whatever it was, and we could at least talk about books and music again. And in all of that time, he never bothered to explain that it was nothing I had done; it was nothing to do with me at all, in fact. He still hasn't; just something he let drop yesterday brought on a eureka! moment that brought everything into clarity. It is nothing to do with me, though he let me believe that it did for a year. It is all because he feels that having me as a friend would be upsetting to the woman he is dating. It certainly doesn't say anything positive about him, that he would act so poorly towards someone he has known for years and not even bother explaining it. Since I now know what is going on, and I now know that there is nothing I can do about it - it's time to move on with my life. There are plenty of other people out there who are not so insecure that they drop people they have known and been friends with for years over the insecurities of other people. There are plenty of people out there with the maturity and goodwill to choose their own friends, and to stick by those people and not play ugly games with their heads. It says nothing positive about him, or the woman he is dating, that he has acted in this way.

I am someone who has always believed in forgiving others, giving others the benefit of the doubt, and in giving people second chances. In this case, it didn't work. Yet, if anything like this ever happens again, I will undoubtedly hand out plenty of second chances...perhaps I am a fool, perhaps I am stupid - but to me, forgiveness and friendship are two of the most precious things in life. I can live with myself, and what happened, knowing that I did my best to try to work things out.

I will always be glad that I knew this man, even with the pain of the past year. He was very supportive when my father passed, and at other times as well. While I feel a lot of pity mixed with disgust towards him right now, I know that there are many fine qualities to him, and in the end, I hope he will be happy and that he has a fine life.

Life, as always, goes on. And there will be better things, and finer people, and real friends, ahead of me. And the discovery of them will be a magnificent journey.