Whew. Long day at Riverview. My little guy came in second, in a great championship match with a score of 2-0. It was the best match of the day, they looked like like two high schoolers going for a high level championship. He is in seventh grade and lost to an eighth grader who had pinned all of his other opponents in under thirty seconds. I am very, very proud of him. This is his last tournament of the season for the school, though they have one more dual meet. From here on out they will be for the wrestling club instead, starting with the regionals for the MYWAY League in Pinckney tomorrow. If he places he will go to the MYWAY state championships in Lansing next weekend.

The tournament today lasted about 10 or so hours. Bill got home from Battle Creek before we did from Riverview. I am beat, and I don't even want to think of how tired Stevie will be in the morning, as he has to be in Pinckney before 7AM for the weigh-in. I won't be going, as I have to work, but Dan promised to take him out for a big pancakes and sausage breakfast after weigh-in.

It was a lovely, sunny day and I was stuck inside a gym all day. Tomorrow its supposed to snow again, another Alberta Clipper, though we might be just warm enough to get rain instead of snow. Rain would be nice, as it might melt some of the several inches of snow already on the ground.

One of my sisters is furious with me, as the three of them are going down to West Virginia later this month to put up a headstone for our parents and scatter their ashes. I wasn't told they were going until the March schedule at my job had already been released, and the other two are fine with that, so I really don't know what this one expects. She has been angry for awhile, though. In her grief she wants to cling very closely. In my grief I retreat and want to be alone. That doesn't work out very well, and it angers her. She gets frustrated and issues orders and says mean things, I retreat even more, and that gets her even angrier. Its an ugly cycle and I am not sure how to break it. I have always grieved for things and people that matter to me in a very private way and I am not sure how to change something that is so entrenched in my emotional make-up. She says she no longer wants to have anything to do with me because I am not coming to West Virginia. So am I supposed to quit the job I have had for 16 years for this? This all came down while I was off last week. What a weird week off  it was between that, and getting sick, and having Dan and Steven sick, too. But it was still better than being at work.

I know the way I am when I get very upset/am grieving is very irritating to most people. I think it is in part a natural shyness/reticence combined with having been so abused as a child. Now when I get extrememly upset I retreat into a den like a wounded animal and hide. And people hate that. I don't intend/mean to push everyone away, its just that I feel so overwhelmed that I want space and time to hide and be alone until I can deal with the world again. And it doesn't help when people get angry or start issuing orders to snap out of it, or to do this or do that. That just makes the situation worse, and makes me hide even deeper. The few times in my life when someone actually got me out before the natural course of events and time was when they very gently and persistently coaxed me, the way you would a hurt wild animal. I have known very few people with that sort of patience, though. Its just a mess, and I do not know how to begin the change.